Dear Hillary,
Lots of your readers seem to have problems getting the right girl. My problem is I’ve got too many of them. There’s two in my office and they are both great looking girls. I know that if I take one out then I won’t be able to get the other one to go out, and as sure as hell they’d talk to each other. They both look as if they are interested in me, but I need to get to know them a bit better, so where do I go from here?
Roger

Dear Roger,
I wish every problem was as easy to solve as yours, Petal. In fact it is so obvious I am amazed that you had to write to me. You want to see what they are like out of the office, which one is more suitable, more compatible, etc., etc. Simple, invite them both out! This way they both can feel comfortable with the arrangement. No jealousy or talking in the lunch room. Go to dinner somewhere and sit back and enjoy their company. Very quickly you will see which one orders the lobster Thermidor and wants expensive cocktails, and which one orders food and drink while thinking of your wallet! After that first evening you then carry on with the one that fits your ideals. Best of luck, and I hope neither of them wants French champagne.

Dear Hillary,
I am sure you will have heard this before, and when I ask around the guys at the pub, they all have the same problem, but it’s when the wife, ladyfriend or whatever just clams up and does the no-speaking bit, for no known (expletive deleted) reason. Ask what’s wrong and you get the “Nothing” reply (if you even get a reply). Ask if there’s something they would like to do, eat, movie or whatever and get an “Up to you”. It’s not up to me. I asked what she wanted to (expletive deleted) do and get the stupid “Up to you” nonsense. OK Hillary, it is now “Up to you” to tell us just what we are supposed to do, before I punch my way through the door.
Ged

Dear Ged,
Have you tried anger management at all, Petal. You certainly do have some pent-up aggression, don’t you? Some ‘Jai Yen Yen’ (cool heart) needed here I think. This is not something new. Nobody said us women have to be in a good mood all the time. Just putting up with some of the male characteristics is enough to make any woman snap. So when she says “Up to you” just accept it at face value and make the decision yourself, and don’t worry if she doesn’t agree with it. She set the ground rules, so don’t fret. It will be different next week anyway. (MCP)

Dear Hillary,
I enjoy your bits each week and the advice is right on. Somebody said you should get a raise from your editor and I reckon so too. You are doing a public service so you should get the top dollar. All the ones in the US like Oprah get big money, so should you. Keep up the good work.
Hughie

Dear Hughie,
Aren’t you just the nicest man! Comparing poor little Hillary with the mighty Oprah! However there are some differences between us, you know. She’s in America, for one! You worry me though, when you say you “enjoy my bits” each week. What “bits” are we talking about here? Some of my bits are never discussed here in the column. This is a family newspaper Hughie. As far as a raise is concerned, I’ll show your letter to the editor, but he’ll just laugh and say I made it up.

Dear Hillary,
Have you heard of the British Standard (BS) Duck Test? “If a bird looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.” Some readers have tried to make this apply to all ‘women’ in Thailand, and have really gone down the gurgler. All Thai ‘women’ are not the same. Thai women are not the same as western ones and bar girls are a different species altogether, and then there are the ladyboys. The bar girls will make any young chap’s holiday memorable, but you have to be careful. I think the (BS) Duck Test does not hold good in Thailand. What do you think?
Jack

Dear Jack,
All women are very obviously not the same. I’m not like that for one. I agree that if you want a ‘good time’, the good time girls are there to give it to you. The problems always arise when the smitten male forgets that a good time girl is just that - a good time girl. A girl for the good times in life, not a girl who is good for life times. It should also be understood that a beer bar is not an outside office for an accredited match-making and marriage agency. And remember the (BS) Duck Test is just BS too.