Agony Ivy’s Pattaya Postbag


Airport security

I suggest all passengers should be warned on arrival at Suvarnabhumi airport that, on entering the glass booth at the security stage, any explosive device they are carrying will automatically be detonated. Harmless individuals will be perfectly safe, but any terrorists will be swiftly terminated without the need for lengthy court proceedings or expensive prison sentences. Standby passengers could be immediately be informed that an extra seat has become available.

Common Sense, Banglamung

Facebook issues

I am trying to make friends outside of social media, especially Facebook. Every day I walk down the street and tell people what I had for breakfast in awesome detail and show them photos of my dear departed mother and of myself watering the garden. Not only that. I listen to them intently and give them a thumbs-up for anything sensible that they utter. I already have four followers although, for some reason, they are wearing uniforms.

Former Keyboard Warrior, off Walking Street

Banking fraud

I recently informed my bank in UK that I was about to take a holiday on the island of Phuket and that I would be likely to want to use my credit card there. During the vacation, having survived quarantine, I received an urgent email from the bank requesting me to telephone their fraud department without future delay. The bank told me that some charlatan had attempted to make a transaction from Thailand which, of course, is not an island. Suspecting attempted fraud, the bank had therefore put a stop on my card until further notice.

Clive D’Eath, Patong Beach

Question of paternity

I have been dating my girlfriend for about two years and we have just had our first child recently. I raced round to the hospital and was shown a black baby. Since both my girlfriend and I are white, I asked them to check again. But the ward supervisor said it was definitely the right one. Obviously I have talked the matter over with my girlfriend, but she can’t come up with a convincing answer any more than I can.

Doubting Thomas, Dark Side Pattaya

Cousin Rachel replies: The obvious response is that one of you, or maybe both, has a forgotten black ancestor in your family tree.

Half-completed operation

I came to Thailand specifically to have an operation to increase the size of my breasts which are woefully small, even for a man. Unfortunately, I ran out of money during the proceedings and have only managed to have my left side done. You can imagine that I look rather ridiculous and, in truth, no bra size ever made makes me look attractive. I have always been interested in alternative funding and wonder whether you could appeal on my behalf through crowd funding for a mere 200,000 baht. You might also include the cost of a return business class airfare to the USA, so let’s say 400,000 baht.

Optimist Olive, Linda’s Bar

Cousin Rachel replies: If any of the crowd contacts me, you’ll be the first to know.

Communication problems

My internet connection went down the other day, so I headed downstairs and talked to my Thai wife’s family. They seem to be nice people.

Alf Tooms, Third Road.