Heart to Heart: Advice for octogenarians


Advice for octogenarians
Dear Hillary,
Hope you made it into 2018 safely. I am told that old people have to be very careful and not fall as they can break their hips. My Mum had one when she was 60 and it took her a long time to get over it. My problem is these Thai women that seem to grow up wanting the cake as well as eating it. My woman has been with me for four years and we were getting along fine, I was even thinking of marriage. May as well as I was already looking after the kid (hers, not mine). She started to get a bit shifty, coming home late, friend invited her to a party, fell asleep in the massage parlor, all these kind of excuses. Eventually comes out she’s got some bloke on the side, called a Gik. But it was OK as all her friends had one. I wasn’t going to put up with that nonsense so she got her marching orders. Felt sorry for the kid, but maybe she’ll think a bit first before following the friends. Am I being too hard, Hillary.

Dear Robbie,
No, I don’t think you’re being too hard. Trust is necessary in any partnership, and yours ran out of it. However, you have to be a bit more careful in future. One of my regulars read your letter, and suggested that in Thailand, love is spelled ‘M O N E Y’. You can be the ugliest stinking fat slob in town and there’s a girl on ‘Line’, ‘Craigslust’ or the ubiquitous jungle honeys at Thai Friendly etc., who just loves… your money. It ain’t luck chum … it’s all and only about the baht. Walk into any bar with a wad wrapped around your organ and don’t be shocked how the Nam Pheung attracts the loving butterfly. Thank you Jay West for the advice.

Just send me the money
Dear Hillary,
You had some guy sending 50 thousand baht to one of the local women he sees twice a year. Suckers are born every moment. Even if he was shown how she was scamming him he would still not believe them. Always the same, she is different than the rest. No she’s not.

Dear John,
Unfortunately I have to say I agree with you. His 50K is not needed for groceries, that’s for sure. If I thought he would listen, I would send him my bank account number as well. Veuve Clicquot has been somewhat out of my price range this year. Read “Every Year”.

Dear Hillary,
One of the receptionists in our company is very attractive and I would like to get to know her better, but I have a problem. I am not the pushy type, so can’t just go up to her and ask her out. She knows my name even though we have 600 on staff, and if I meet her walking into work she is always very chatty and will hold my arm with her hand. She doesn’t wear any rings, so I don’t think she is married or anything like that. She did ask the other day what happened to her Xmas present, and I almost fell over, but mumbled something like it wasn’t ready. I know, I missed my opportunity again. Do you think she is interested? What is the next move, and please don’t say just to go and ask her out. I get tongue tied.
Bashful Bob

Dear Bashful Bob,
I feel for you, my Petal. I really do. A real gentleman. You are from the UK I presume and it is nice to see you aren’t one of those dreadful lager louts that populate the bars this time of year. Even though Thai people are very welcoming and friendly, this girl seems to be giving you a message. You don’t need to be brave to buy her a box of chocolates and quietly present them to her on Christmas. Or if that is too much, just leave them on her desk. Put a card with them saying “From Bob” and your phone number. If she rings you to thank you, then ask her out for dinner to nice restaurant. Not over the top, but one where you can chat and get to know each other a little. However, if she refuses the chocolates, just send them over to my office, marked “For my Darling Hillary”. I will appreciate them.

Forget the ewes, it’s the Rams you have to look after
Dear Hillary,
Can you recommend a good computer technician? Every time my computer breaks down, the technician takes it away to fix it, and returns it several days later and when I go to use it, something else doesn’t work. “You haven’t got enough RAM,” seems to be the catchword with these people, but even after buying more, the problems are still there. Any ideas, Hillary?
|Sheep station

Dear Sheep Station,
You’re lucky it’s only a RAM problem. I’ve bought a veritable sheep station of RAMs and now they’re telling me it is my operating system that is no good. I ask you, what’s wrong with Windows 1946? It worked before, why not now? Honestly Petal, I have no idea about this modern technology. Bring back faxes, I say. I could understand those.