An alarming situation

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Dear Hillary,

My next door’s alarm went off and sounded for about 15 minutes. They have a guard dog but it wasn’t interested. I tried to contact them but no answer to the phone. The next morning their car was in the driveway, so I presume everything was OK. What should I have done, and don’t say go inside their gate, the dog is a monster.

Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,

First you buy sedatives from the pharmacy and pack them into some large beefsteaks. Then you throw them over the fence to where the dog is. After the dog has gone to sleep, then go into the neighbor’s yard while clutching a baseball bat. If the dog wakes up get out of there immediately and repeat step 1.

Step 2 is to locate the burglar while threatening to use the baseball bat. If it is a British house, then a cricket bat is acceptable.

At this point it is time for step 3. Haggling over the money to be paid under the table for your silence. For an ordinary house, 10K should be enough, though 20K if it is a posh place. Don’t accept a check.