Heart to Heart: Soap and champagne


Soap and champagne
Dear Hillary,
I don’t know if you have time to sit down with your glass of champagne and chocolates to watch the soap movies in the evening. As I read my book and my lady friend is watching these movies I can’t help but notice how these movies give the wrong, or maybe the right impression of Thai people in the land of smiles. They are nearly always screaming at each other or slapping one another round the face and very vindictive. Are most of the Thai wealthy people this callous and two faced, if they are they have a lot to learn. I hope the young children who watch these movies don’t think this is the way of life. I do enjoy your Heart to Heart column and if I am able to save a few baht I will send you champagne and chocolates.

Dear Ian,
I am very sorry to be so slow in replying but I have only just found your letter under a pile of other stuff, which is dated March 2014. Which explains why no champagne or chocolates! Your observation about the violence in Thai soaps is still valid today. However, you are a farang and shouldn’t be watching them anyway. They’re not made for you! The sweet and gentle image of saffron really does not show Thailand, but neither do the screaming soaps.

Am I about to die? Complete with “bits”
Dear Hillary,
Will you still be here in 2019? I enjoy your bits each week and the advice is sometimes right on. A few weeks back somebody said you should get a raise from your editor and I reckon so. You are doing a public service so you should get the top dollar. All the ones in the US like Oprah get big money, so you should too. Keep up the good work and all the best with the boss.

Dear Hughie,
Aren’t you just the nicest man! Comparing poor little Hillary with the mighty Oprah! However there are some differences between us, you know. She’s in America, for one! My Petal, if Hillary could get even 10 percent of Oprah’s salary, I’d be on the next plane to Milan for some new threads, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about creatures like letter writers lusting after my flower prints. Every time I hang them out on the line I have to be just so careful when the knicker man is around. Nicks ‘em. Gone, and my undies. He’s a terrible man. You worry me though, when you say you “enjoy my bits” each week. What “bits” are we talking about here? Some of my bits are never discussed here in the column. This is a family newspaper Hughie, and anyway, you’d never get to see them either. As far as a raise is concerned, I’ll show your letter to the editor, but he’ll probably just think I made it up, just as some people think I dream up people. That’s no dream, it’s a nightmare, and some of the damned things are so long and are handwritten! Life’s hard some days!

Next week BSA?
Dear Hillary,
I was very interested to read your advice to Valentino a few weeks ago and wondered if perhaps you could help me too. I have a British motorcycle (a Triumph) and I park it in the garage when I go off shore. I have noticed that when I come back these days, it no longer leaks oil on the garage floor. I have my suspicions that my wife has given it to a Thai boyfriend, and the motorcycle is staying at his place while I’m away. Why she would do this is beyond me as I give her everything she wants, gold chains and everything. I really cannot think of any other reason for the garage floor to be so clean. Do you think the seals have taken up, or what is happening?Is there another logical answer?

Dear Nick,
Just what have I brought on my head this time? Now it’s a motorcycle clinic! No, my Petal, the seals on your Triumph have not taken up. Good British bikes always leak oil, so there is a simple answer for you. Have you checked the level of oil in the crankcase? For a logical answer, I think you will find there is no oil left. That is the only feasible explanation with your British bike. Unless it was made in Japan, whereupon it is really a copy bike! Check the serial numbers, Poppet. And talk to the nice man at the motorcycle shop, not Hillary. You could of course, try locking it up while you are away. A good heavy chain, like the gold one your wife wears, with a strong combination lock, should be enough to keep it in the garage, and you will see if the drip is from the motorcycle, or perhaps it is you. By the way, you’re not the phantom knicker knicker are you?