Happy birthday

Dear Hillary,

If I remember right, this is your birthday, or at least round about now (July) as I was over in your neck of the woods last year at this time and was bitten by a wild dog and had to get shots and everything just in case of rabbits diseases, that’s why I remember it good, but the getting bitten wasn’t any fun at all, so what did you get in the birthday stocking? Same as last year or something different? If I get over again I’ll bring you something, as long as you don’t have a dog there at the Pattaya Mail, as I don’t want to get all those injections again, I was a right pin cushion by the time the nurses had finished with me, never again, I tell you, anyway, all the best for your birthday and I hope you got some real good stuff and all.

Jack

Dear Jack,

Phew! I’m exhausted just reading your letter, Petal. It is about time you learned to throw in the occasional full stop now and again so the reader can draw a breath. Sorry to hear you got on the wrong side of a soi dog’s molars, but obviously the shots stopped the rabies (rabies, darling, not rabbits).

No, we don’t employ dogs at the Pattaya Mail, though some of the people I see hanging around look a little doubtful. I hope that this year I get more than I got last year, thank you for asking. I think I got a Mars bar and a cup of coffee. This year, with just a little subtle prompting, I hope to get some champers and chockies. After all, I’m 18, just like the paper!

Position vacant for a private dancer

Dear Hillary,

Every week I read your column faithfully to see what we have to watch out for, to make sure we don’t get ripped off by the young fillies, but the situations never seem to happen to me. Am I doing something wrong? Should I go to a different bar? No girl has ever asked me for money for anything. I keep on thinking I am missing out on some of life’s great experiences, but don’t know what to do about it. Any suggestions? Where’s my Private Dancer?

Bill

Dear Bill,

I presume you are referring to Stephen Leather’s excellent book called “Private Dancer” which should be made compulsory reading before getting off the plane at Suvarnabhumi airport. There would be far less tears, far less rip-offs and probably far less people writing in for my advice. However, you, Bill my Petal, are the other way about, aren’t you? You want to be used and abused. A bit of the old masochism coming out, eh? But no worries, Bill, here’s what you’ve got to do. Get a bit tanked up one evening and then go to one of the raunchier sois and go into the first bar that has a girl outside who calls out to you “Hello sexy man.” You’re now starting on the great adventure. After a good night on the turps, it is your turn to look after her, and you start with buying the motorcycle she needs, followed by footing the vet bills for the family buffalo (they don’t do well living in the Bangkok traffic) and then the money for the back rent of her apartment. If you’re really lucky, you will also find out that your sexy six footer with pneumatic knockers used to play for the boy’s U17 football team, so you’ll have something in common right away.

Bill, I think (and hope) you’re pulling my black silk stockinged leg, but it is important to always remember the definition of a sadist. It’s someone who’s nice to a masochist! You’ll thank me for that one day.

Election worries

Dear Hillary,

With the latest elections in Thailand, how do you think the change in government will affect those of us who work off-shore, but have our wives and children in Thailand? Should we move our money off-shore, or should we just pull up stumps and try Malaysia or the Philippines or somewhere else? I believe the real estate market is depressed too. It’s all a bit worrying. I’ve worked 20 years off-shore to get what I’ve got now. I don’t want to see it just go down the gurgler.

Worried Joe

Dear Worried Joe,

I’m the last one to ask about whether you should keep your money here or move it overseas. I keep mine in an old sock under the bed. That’s one sock, too, my Petal.

Will things change in Thailand? I really don’t think so. Look back at all the governments we’ve had in the past 10 years, different colors, different ideas, different names, and life just carries on for us little people. How tall are you Joe? If you’re over two meters, better hope they don’t tax you by the centimeter!

The real estate market may be a bit slow for a while, but it always comes good over time. I don’t think you’ve got to pack your bags and do a bolter. But what’s this “gurgler” thing?