Heart to Heart: Stumped at an “ugly” bar


Stumped at an “ugly” bar
Dear Hillary,
You’ve rescued me before, so I hope you can do it again. I’ve been taking out this older Thai woman over a five year period. One night a week and we’ll go to a bar or listen to music for fun times. Been to a bar recently where one of the bar girls took a liking to her and started to fondle her. She didn’t say anything in the bar, but now refuses to go anywhere as she says it is “ugly”. Is this common? It’s not as if she is sexless and we had good sexy times together before. Do I play along with this, or just go cold and look out for the next sexy woman?

Dear Johnny,
How nice of you to remember that last time I pulled you out drowning in the swimming pool of desire. I am so glad to hear that you are OK these days. Now to this year’s problem. Petal, she either has to snap out of this “ugly” situation by herself or join a religious group somewhere. Don’t try and change her, she has to find her own way here. She will try and make you commit to her way of thinking, so be prepared. This is a lost cause. Start looking around and just let the relationship slowly die.

First course is on the floor
Dear Hillary,
We moved into a new house last year. Has two kitchens, one for farang food and the other for Isaan cooking. This should work well, but it doesn’t. Dinnertime and the plates of Thai food are set out on the floor, and my food is on the table. I know this is what they do in the NE, but I believe that a ‘family’ eats together, which just helps in strengthening family relationships, not one at the table and the others on the floor. What makes it even more silly is at least one of the kids will eat with me and the other one with her mother and the grandmother on the floor. How do I get the whole family together at the table?

Dear Barry,
The clash of the cultures, I’m afraid. Your wife has very strong connections with her family in the NE, and will follow the culture, especially with her mother living with you too. You are trying to change things, she is trying to maintain the culture she knows. You must also remember where you are living, my Petal. This place is called Thailand, as is the NE. This is not a western country. Make the most of it, eat on the floor too and you might find the entire family will enjoy it.

Madame Clicquot turns in her grave
Dear Hillary,
You’ve been very quiet recently in your calls for chocolates and bubbles. Did you get enough at New Year that you don’t have to remind people all the time?
Mr. Clickow

Dear “Mr. Clickow”
As well as trying to be a smarty, you cannot spell either. It is Clicquot, and I did indeed get a bottle of the good bubbles. And a bottle of Moet et Chandon, which is pronounced “Mow-ett ay chandon.” Everyone has had to tighten their belts recently, and I am no different from everyone else (other than the fact that I can spell), so I haven’t broadcast my need for bubbles quite as much as before. The chocolate side of things hasn’t been too bad. Thank you for asking.

Bars and clubs
Dear Hillary,
I have noticed in my travels that there are some watering holes called “bars” and some called “clubs”. What’s the difference? Do you know, even though I don’t expect you to go and sample them yourself?

Dear Gird,
What kind of name is Gird? Does it come from ‘girding your loins’ or even ‘grinding your lions’? Some very strange people around. As far as bars and clubs are concerned, that is very easy. Bars generally open till late, while clubs are afternoons to early evenings. Bars are open, so you can see into the gloom, while clubs operate behind closed doors. And no, I didn’t go in.

Visa inquiries
Dear Hillary,
I am thinking of taking my girlfriend for a trip to the UK when I go at the end of the month. She has never been out of Thailand before. Is it difficult to get a visa for her? I have a UK passport.

Dear Ron,
You are just entering a minefield. It is not easy for Thai ladies to get a visitor’s visa for the UK. It seems that the authorities are worried that the Thai lady stays and doesn’t go back at the end of the visa. There’s a limit to the number of massage shops in London. The only way I know is to use a visa agent of which there are lots in Pattaya. I have knowledge of Darren McGarry of Key Visa, so you could start there.

Santa’s little helper?
Dear Hillary,
Don’t you get depressed reading all the letters from blokes who are just making idiots of themselves with the Thai ladies?

Dear Willy,
(I hope that is your real name, and not one you’ve just made up.) Not depressed, I just love to help.