Heart to Heart: Getting my ex back again


Getting my ex back again
Dear Hillary,
My ex has bobbed up again from somewhere. Last I heard she was in the States, but that was five years ago. There was lots of bad blood during the divorce so it knocked me off my perch when she bowls in just as if she was coming back from the shops. I haven’t got a permanent replacement, though to be honest she put me off women. Not that I’m into guys either. I said she could stay for a couple of weeks, and that was three weeks ago. What do I do next?

Dear Jeremy,
Why did she leave you? Was it because you could never make up your mind, my Petal? Show her the door and ask her to close it on the way out. If it’s company you want, buy a dog.

See you at dinner
Dear Hillary,
Another Thai GF I fear. Moved in a month ago and she’s never there. Out every night, rolls back in 2 or 3 or sometimes even later. Reeking of cheap whisky. Asleep when I leave to go to work in the morning. All lovey dovey when I get back in the afternoon and we go out for a meal, then she nafs off again. Do they all do this?

Dear Barry,
You didn’t say how old you were, but I’ll guess that her age is late teens. You are just being used. Show her the door. Another one who needs a dog. The pound has got hundreds of them.

One way ticket to the pound
Dear Hillary,
I see a lot of girls in my local shopping center, and many are quite nice. I see them resting on the seats. I know you say we older farangs should stay away from the bars, but will I find Miss Right in the shopping center? Or do I have to lie about my age (I’m a pensioner) and go back to university? What should I do? I’m getting tired of being lonely.
Lonely Larry

Dear Lonely Larry,
What shower did you come down in, my lonely Petal? Must have been the last one. Will you find Miss Right waiting on the bench for you at the supermarket? No Larry, you will only find Miss Take there. Mistake if you talk to her and Miss Take all your money by the time you reach the checkout counter. These are freelance girls who can disappear very easily and you will never find where she went or came from (other than Aisle B next to the hot dog counter). At least Hello Sexy Man bar will still be there tomorrow, and the Mamasan knows the ID of her girls. As far as lying about your age, that’s not such a bad idea. I heard of one 70 year old chap, when seen walking down the street with a cute 17 year old, told his friends it was easy. “I lied about my age. I told her I was 90!” If you are getting really desperate, talk to the girls in the optical stores. They are all well dressed and university graduates. You must be needing glasses at your age, so you’ve got a good excuse for being there. Don’t despair, Larry. Just be nice to everyone you meet. Very soon someone will snap you up for whom you are, and not just to get their hands on your pension.

Can’t see the wood for the trees
Dear Hillary,
I am a single, mature English lady who has lived in Pattaya for 3 months, why is it that you don’t see white ladies out with young Thai men, there are lots of old and young white men out with their Thai ladies or Thai men for the evening, but not the other way round. I know you can visit male go-go bars and get a handsome man for the evening but where do white ladies take their handsome Thai men, is it because Thai men don’t like to be seen out with white ladies? I would love to take a handsome Thai man out for a meal, a drink and dancing, and I’m sure there must be plenty of ladies like myself who would love to do this also, so how do I address the balance, any suggestions.

Dear Perplexed (of Pattaya),
Goodness me, my Petal, just where in England are you from? Some strange little village where the height of excitement is the Maypole dances, and that’s only once a year? What is stopping you taking your handsome Thai man anywhere? It certainly is not “because Thai men don’t like to be seen out with white ladies.” On the contrary, Ms Perplexed, in some areas a white English lady would be looked upon as a bit of a prize. I think you have some sort of psychological hang-up, and it is you who is afraid to be seen with a Thai man, not the other way round. As you say, there are plenty of male go-go’s and you don’t even have to go out of that locale to find a nice place to eat. Be brave, and let me know what happened after you took the public plunge! I am quite sure nobody will have thrown nasturtiums, or even aspersions.