Heart to Heart: November 06, 2020


Soaps with no bubbles

Dear Hillary,

Do you watch the Thai soaps? I find them unbelievable with their screaming, face slapping and obvious plot based on jealousy. Do you know anyone who lives in these gigantic houses, and all drive Mercedes, of course? The good guy is pushed aside by the bad guy, until the heroine is advised what the real situation is by the grandmotherly maid who shows her that her true love is not the flashy bad guy, but the quiet good guy. Now you know the plot of every soap. Why are these shows so popular?


Please Support Pattaya Mail

Dear James,

For Thais, the soaps are a welcome break from the drudgery of daily life. For the lady with the handcart who sells satays, the television is a welcome escape, especially now during the Covid-19 pandemic when sales are almost non-existent. She can look and wonder and imagine what life would be like, plus a couple of charming young lads to help her put the chickens on the stick. And if you come from the UK there is the Eastenders or in Australia there is Home and Away. Neither towering intellectual giants.


Money not well spent

Dear Hillary,

Like all things in Pattaya, there seems to be a right way and a wrong way, complete with disastrous results, usually financial. How do you send money to one of the girls that is safe? I won’t be back in Thailand until next year and I’d like to send her something for her birthday.


Dear Grant,

You are quite correct that there are two ways that farangs do things in Pattaya. Unfortunately, generally wrong both times. And you are about to make that three ways. She will have forgotten who you are, let alone helping her blow out your candles. These girls are professional thieves. Keep your money in your trouser pocket, and say “Thank you, Hillary” before you neck your next beer.

Never lonely in Pattaya

Dear Hillary,

I was told that you are never lonely in Pattaya and it sure seems that way, but nobody tells you that you are going to pay for it, and big money too. By the time you pay the bar to let her out, and multiply by the number of days you will be around for, you are getting into serious money. Then the girl has got her hand out for this and that, mobile phone needs replacement, money for Mama, money here, money there. It really does add up. I think you should be letting your readers know about these things, Hillary.


Dear John,

Do I detect a little financial strain in your letter, my Petal? Nobody said it was ‘free’. Sure, you are never lonely in Thailand, but you will pay. Compare that to the western countries where you will be lonely, but if you are not, you will be paying big money! What you have to understand, John, is that by going to the bars, you enter the commercial side of the business. The girls are there to earn money – and they get that money from the punters – that’s you! Go into the ‘pay for company’ end of the society, and what you have described is completely true. The choice is always yours. I suggest you back out, while your piggy bank holds together.


Dear Hillary,

I hear the term ‘sideline girls.’ What exactly is this? And if they are a change from the usual bar girls, where do I find one of these sideliners? I am 42 years old, not bad looking, a little overweight and lonely.


Dear Bob,

We have found someone who admits to being lonely in Pattaya! But of course, that means hooking up with the bar girls, which sideliners are not. The differences between the two groups are simply, the bar girl’s income comes from the bar and hustling, while the sideliner already has an income from a regular job and if they want to top up their monthly salary they do a bit of hustling on the side. “Sideliner” get it? That girl at the checkout may want some extra cash if a rock concert is ever allowed again in Bangkok. So in your case look for a regular girl who is giving you signals that she would like to talk more. Now as far as the loneliness is concerned, neither the bar girl nor the sideliners will give you a 100 percent guarantee of long term success, but you have more chance of success with the sideliner.

Flatulence again

Dear Hillary,

I need help. My beautiful Thai wife of six years has just told me that she wants a divorce. The reason? I pass wind a lot, apparently worst in bed at night. Is this due to hamburgers? Ones with plenty of onions. She wants me to stop something I don’t even know I’m doing. Is this Thai logic?


Dear Gaz,

Or should that be “gas”? Now this passing wind – is the objection noise or odor? If it is noise, then the simple fix is tight underpants to bed in the next door room. If it is odor, that’s not so easy to fix. You can supply your wife with face masks, or you could look at your diet. Onions in hamburgers? Capsicum? After that, all that is left is anus retraining. Get your sphincter so powerful it could chop your finger off.