Jock and the chocs

Dear Hillary,

How’s the chocks and champers going? Haven’t heard too much recently. I’d bring some over to you, but where I am, champers is not allowed anywhere and it’s too hot for chockies. But thanks for the funnies.

Jock

Dear Jock,

What is to stop you buying them duty free when you come in to Thailand, Petal? I understand the difficulties you might have in the sand-box, but I think the biggest difficulty is in your name - “Jock”. You wouldn’t be Scottish, would you? Still with the first baw-bee you ever made, tucked away in your wee sporran. I know all about you lads with your kilts and the sporran thingy to keep yours warm in winter. You’ll have to try harder, Jock.

Confused in the LOS

Dear Hillary,

There’s a girl at work that I’m a bit keen on, and every day she gives me a wai and a big smile, so I wai back. She’s in another department from me, so I can’t just kinda bowl in and talk to her. I do think she is giving me the come-on, but with everyone in Thailand smiling at everyone else, I am confused. Is this just the Thai smile, or is it the ‘come and get me’ smile? I really want to get my head around this before I make an ass of myself. I’ve only been in Thailand for six months, so I’m pretty new here.

Confused

Dear Confused,

You make it a little difficult for me, Confused, so much so that I’m getting confused myself. What you are trying to work out is whether she is making the Thai polite smile, or the ‘pleased to see you’ smile. That shouldn’t be too difficult. How long have you been in Thailand? Six months! You should have been able to work it out by now, but if she goes over the top and gives you a beaming smile as she wais, then I’d take it as the old fashioned come-on. Really, I don’t know what’s wrong with you young bloods these days. Surely you could find an excuse to visit her department, or is she working as a rocket scientist and you haven’t got the clearance to go there? In that case, get someone from her department to ask her to go to lunch with you. Even rocket scientists have to eat! I get the feeling, Petal, that not only have you only been here for six months, but you’re probably a wet-behind-the-ears teenager as well. But don’t fret. Everyone grows up sooner or later.

Live to ride

Dear Hillary,

Time to come and ride with us. We are a bunch of good guys with big bikes. We’re not Hell’s Angels but just ordinary guys that like to have fun and have a good time. We’ve been reading your column and think you’re just not having fun any more, with all your pleading for chocolates and champagne. We go for beer, but after a ride around the mountains you’ll be dying for a beer as well. B Well, are you willing to rise to our challenge and come for a ride with the Rancheros?

 Ranchero 1

Dear Ranchero 1,

Do you honestly think I am going to get on the back of a motorcycle with a bunch of guys I’ve never met before, and who think the greatest fun in life is drinking beer? Give me a break, boys. It’s horses for courses. You stick to your beers and riding round mountains, while I stick to the finer things in life (chocolates and champagne, as you correctly pointed out). As I see you call yourself Ranchero 1, I presume there is at least two of you, and that’s another good reason for turning down your unforgettable offer. Thanks, but no thanks.

Happy gay days

Dear Hillary

My work colleagues have all decided that I am gay because I don’t live with anyone, while they all are living with a succession of local women, and I mean a succession. Every week it’s another tale of woe and how they have been cleaned out. Every week I thank my lucky stars that this is them not me. But what beats me is they just go straight back into another relationship, which ends up just like the previous ones - a disaster. They seem to think that I have something against women, while I don’t, but they keep on saying over and over, “Got a feller yet?” I haven’t got anything against gays either, it’s just that I’m not one. How do I get them to understand at work?

 Straight

Dear Straight,

Jai yen yen! Maintain a cool heart, Petal! They are only keeping this up because you continue to rise to the bait. When they get no reaction from you, they will eventually stop. It may seem hard, but just a “Suit yourself,” response and nothing else will produce the desired result. By the way, don’t comment on their relationships and they will give up commenting on your (lack of) relationships too. You reap what you sow in this world.