Sir, Madam or whatever, as the case may be,

Your age, gender and nationality remains a mystery and all three of your regular readers are concerned about your qualifications to dispense what they often consider questionable advice. Would you therefore please be so kind as to confirm or otherwise the following?

1. You are not from America as you never advise a correspondent to seek, for all Americans essential, therapy or counseling.

2. You do not originate from the UK as you lack the finesse of such an upbringing.

3. You are not Australian as you never refer to your digery (sic) doo or call people cobber.

4. You could be Thai with a poor command of the English language.

5. You could be female as you have no sense.

6. You could be male as you lack compassion.

7. Most likely you are a very confused katoey who doesn’t know an arm from an elbow.

8. Age? Probably either pre-school or old enough to be suffering from dementia.

9. Your day job? Maybe a retired Turntable Underlooker Quality Control Inspector (Grade 3) in a gramophone factory now a part time cone counter at one of the numerous permanent road work sites.

I won’t mention the other theories as I do not wish to cause offence and in any event this is a family newspaper.

Awfully sorry, have just scoffed the chocs and bubbly bought for you. However, have only sucked the chocolate off the brazils and I am saving the nuts for your enjoyment.
Puzzled Petal from Pattaya

Dear Puzzled Petal from Pattaya,
You are a twisted young boy, aren’t you, Petal. I am not going to give you the pleasure of my going through your insulting list and refuting your specious statements. However, I do note that you are not an Australian either, as the people from the land down there know how to spell didgeridoo, which is more than you can doo. I’ll pass on the nuts as well.

Dear Hillary,
Last week you published a letter from a guy called Mike who complained that even despite giving his GFs a salary, they still got into a snit every so often. How old is this guy, Hillary? Women, just like men, can be subject to different moods and money hasn’t anything to do with it, unless you are ‘keeneeow’ and give the girl nothing to live on. It’s not a salary, but in any relationship there should be some sharing of duties and expenses, and the woman is the one who looks after the housekeeping expenses. If you can’t trust the woman, then you shouldn’t be in the relationship, and stay single, footloose and fancy free, as they say. Salaries and snits do not cancel each other out. Hillary you hit it on the head when you said, “Maids get salaries, partners are not maids, and it is time men like you realized the difference.”
George

Dear George,
Thank you for backing up my words from last week. There are so many expats in Thailand who think they can buy everything here, including live-in girlfriends. Certainly it is possible to buy many things in this country, but you cannot buy love or devotion or a woman - without her mood swings. That’s just part of being a woman, Petal, and Mike from last week has some growing up to do, I’m afraid. He hasn’t learned much in his life so far. But I am sure there will be some women who will give him what he wants, at a price, for a short time.

Dear Hillary,
Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat - where are you going for Christmas dinner? And may I suggest that you be my guest. I have been reading your column and its good advice for many years, and this would be a way I can repay you. Just say “yes” in your reply and I will get in touch and take you to wherever you want. At my expense, Hillary.
William

Dear William,
Oh my goodness me, you’re not Willy Windsor of Wales are you? Have you broken up with Kate already? No, William, a lovely and very tempting suggestion, but for me to remain impartial, it is necessary for me to refuse your kind offer. I am sure you can find someone a little younger to be your date for the turkey and roast tatties, but thank you again. You are very sweet and I hope a nice girl finds you soon.
Dear Hillary,
You used to have some regulars in the column, blokes like Mighty Mouse, the dreadful Mistersingha and the Nairod person. Where are they now?
Wondering

Dear Wondering,
There’s no conspiracy or foul deeds here. I believe Mighty Mouse went back to Australia, the freedom here was all too much for him and his horse was missing him, but I have had the occasional contact. The Mistersingha contributor just ran out of excuses as to why the goodies he always promised never arrived (though I think I once got a Mars Bar), and Nairod, poor Nairod, just expired with a broken heart after I suggested that the center lane of the Sukhumvit roadway would be a good place for him to pitch his tent.