Loy Kraween or Hallowkrathong

The Crocodile, the Elephant and the Monkey (Part 1)

by Geoffrey A. Franklin

Geoffrey A. Franklin was born in England. He studied Art and design at the Birmingham and Royal Colleges of Art. He became head of the school of 3D Design at Somerset College of Art and ran courses for Plymouth University. Geoffrey married a Thai lady and retired to Pattaya 5 years ago, where he is busily painting, writing and enjoying life.

It was a warm afternoon and Pattaya policeman Took was enjoying his day off. He had a frenetic month with many policing problems and many consequent late nights. A whole day off was an unusual luxury for this hardworking policeman, and he needed to unwind. He loved fishing and he was at the Paradise fishing and Karaoke centre just outside Pattaya. It was late in the afternoon and the water in the pool was warm and the fish were biting well. He had already caught many Catfish which he seldom it ever ate. He simply loved fishing and the serenity of this place away form the demands of the city. Later he would give all his catch to the desperately poor Thai people living in the shanty dwelling behind opulent Jomtien Beach. They would feed their ever growing families with his unwanted catch and would gratefully dig and supply worms to Took, for his next pleasure fishing trip.

He expertly cast his fishing line out about 20M toward the centre of the pool and immediately settled his tired back against the sloping bank of the man made pool which was well stocked with an abundance of fish. It was almost impossible not to catch a fish here he thought to himself, as he regarded the dozen or so variously sized fish frantically splashing around in the adapted oil barrel provided by the centre for his earlier effortless catches. Holding his rod in one hand, he folded his arms across his chest, layback and completely relaxed. Today is the good life, he considered, as he tried to dismiss all thoughts of the previous months stressful trials and tribulations. He tilted his policeman’s cap to shield his eyes from the still bright sun and slowly began to doze, dreaming about whatever overworked policemen dream about.

His tranquillity was soon to be rudely disturbed by a twitching of the rod in his hand and then one huge tug that pilled him straight sown the bank side to the waters edge as he desperately tried to hang on to his fishing rod. Took’s cries of astonishment shattered the peaceful silence of the pool and its surroundings and several Thai fishermen ran over to help him. They quickly recognized the problem and promptly seized hold of his fishing line and began in unison like a well trained tug of war team to haul his line in. Took found himself to be the anchor man of this improvised group and attached some of the slack, strong nylon line to the handcuffs clipped to his utility belt. He could not have anticipated the impending result.

Suddenly there were screams of horror form the tug of war team of fellow Thai fishermen before and below him. They all instantly scattered and ran away even faster than they may have from a serious motor vehicle accident they may have been involved in.

An isolated and alone, now mortified Took stared goggle eyed downwards at the two emotionless, heavily lidded eyes looking directly up wards at him, and the two large nostrils protruding from the dark waters. He sprang like a young gazelle, in one single life preserving bound from the waters edge to almost the top of the pools bank in one instinctive prodigious leap. He was still attached by his fishing line to the ugly, monstrous head beneath him. He had instantly recognized the grotesque head of a very large crocodile indeed.

“Just what in earth do you think you’re doing?” Snarled the 5 metre long crocodile, barely opening his massive jaws as he spoke. “I was having a pleasant afternoon snooze, having lunched on one too many catfish when your worm, fishing float and nasty little hook settled in my nostril. I was about to blow it out when you started to pull on it, then it got stuck. It was quite painful and made me very cross.”

Policeman Took, clinging desperately to the top edge of the pool’s bank tried to apologise but could not. His teeth were rattling in head, his legs had turned to jelly and his knees were knocking together like castanets.

“Come on mister policeman, speak up, I want an answer,” demanded the crocodile. I’ve been in this little pool for two years now and have only ever eaten one Thai person. He was too chewy though and gave me indigestion. He was a hired gunman I think as nobody came to look for him after. I’ve taken the odd farang and they’re quite tasty. It’s all those Macdonalds they eat I suppose. I tend to save the really fat ones in my cave under the pool here for birthdays and holidays. Sometimes I get quite drunk as they have so much beer inside them. I’m trying to give them up for lent as they’re ruining my figure. I’ve started doing crocodile aerobics underwater when the karaoke over there,” He lazily waved his scaly tail in the general direction of the karaoke bar on the other side of the pool, “play suitable crocodile aerobic music at night. I especially like Carabao and when I’m feeling romantic Bird. My favourite, though, is Elton John’s Crocodile Rock. It’s so rhythmical. My name is Toothy by the way and I am still waiting for an answer.”

Took’s initial fear had abated slightly after Toothy’s monologue. His police training had taught him to assess a situation and to respond accordingly. His swift prognosis was that this was a slightly angry but amiable enough sociable amphibian who had indigestion after eating Thai men. He spoke good Thai and seemed to propose no immediate threat to Took’s well being. He quickly scanned the pool sides. Everyone had fled the scene in stark terror of this seemingly now passive giant man eater below him. Through the back to his mind, though, flitted the phrase that he must have heard before somewhere, but had never been as pertinent. “Never trust the smile of a crocodile.” He was about to attempt to apologise to Toothy when an immensely strong hurricane like blast of wind struck him in the middle of his back causing him to slide down the pool’s bank side again. This time with both his legs wide open to within a centimetre of Toothy’s gaping jaws. Fortunately, Toothy had also been blown back by the blast, otherwise, thought a terrified again Took, he would have been inside them. The stench from Toothy’s breath was almost overpowering him.

“I hope you’re hot upsetting this good policeman?” Boomed a very slow but deliberate voice form above them. “Otherwise I may have to take steps.” The trumpeting sound had lowered to something more akin to the bass note of a trombone now and was threatening. The voice clearly humbled Toothy who focused his eyes upward toward his former acquaintance, the giant fully grown elephant standing above them at the top of the pool’s bank.

“Of course not Patchy, we were just getting acquainted when you arrived,” Toothy stuttered. “He stuck a hook up my nose which did not please me.” He winced and waived his tail like a giant scorpion over his head at the prostrate Took.

Took, for his part lay before Toothy’s anticipant, partially open jaws with his legs astride her odious nostrils, was again quite unable to speak. His mouth opened and closed but no words came out. His entire body had turned to a shaking jelly this time as his tortured mind considered his highly compromised physical condition. His eyes rolled skyward as he prayed inwardly for a miracle. Whatever had he, Took, done in a previous life to deserve this? Lying, as he was, with his legs open wide each of side the odious gaping vicious toothed jaws of a huge man eating crocodile, with an enormous elephant hovering above him and threatening to, “take steps”. This was an original “Indian Jones” situation which Stephen Spielberg would have relished. Took prayed that it would all end quickly and as painlessly as possible. He clasped the fingers and palms of his hands fervently together and prayed to Buddha as he has never prayed before.

Continued next week...

Updated every Friday.
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