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Dear Hillary,

So many of the blokes who write to you deserve everything they get from the girls in the bars. Why don’t the stupid B’s learn? They’re in the bar doing the job that you wouldn’t get your women from your home countries to do - that’s put up with grumpy old has beens. They’ve been forced down from the family farm because the family needs the dosh. That’s the way they make money to send home, Gramps!
Joe

Dear Joe,
You certainly got out of bed on the wrong side this morning, didn’t you, Petal? What you should also realize is that the girls who work in the bars do it because they can make more money than they would as a checkout girl in Family Mart, and not all of them are “forced”. OK, so the girls have to take some acting lessons, but the men who keep their brains turned on get enjoyable company, while their bar lady companions keep the rest of their bodies turned on. So there are casualties along the way who write in to me for help and sympathy, but don’t be too hard on them, Joe. You might have been that way once in your past, if I remember correctly.

Dear Hillary,
We know you like chocolates, but last year we took some chocolate candy and some of those strange jellied candies in little cups (and some real food) out to one of the children’s homes. None of the children wanted the chocolates and all wanted the jellied candy. Do Thais - especially the ladies - not have taste for chocolate? I thought all women loved chocolates. And if they do, where is a good place to buy quality boxed chocolates?
Chocoholic Charlie

Dear Chocoholic Charlie,
You should be able to smell out chocolate stores from 40 meters, Petal. However, I see you are from oversea, so I forgive you. Thailand has some of the best chocolate in the world, just remember to bring your wallet, Petal so you can afford them (and remember the champagne and extra chocolates for Ms. Hillary). Actually, whether Thais like chocolate depends upon where they come from. The Esarn peoples tend not to like sugary sweet things and chocolate is amongst that. By comparison, the southern Thais have a much sweeter tooth. Hillary? Well now, where do you get nice chocolates? It’s easy, you just pop down to the big supermarkets like a good boy and you will find quality boxed chocolates there. Wrap them securely, with a label addressed to Hillary, c/o the Pattaya Mail and I will get them. Thank you in advance, and also a big thank you for remembering the children less fortunate than ourselves.

Dear Hillary,
My Thai GF has begun getting drunk when she goes out with her GFs. They think it’s a joke, because she gets hopeless. I have told her to stop the drinking, but once she starts she cannot stop until she’s falling down drunk again. Is she an alcoholic, or what? Is there a clinic she can go to?
Martin

Dear Martin,
Your GF has a problem, which means that you have a problem as well. No easy way out of this, but see if you can discuss it with her when she’s sober. If she will admit to a problem she is half way there towards getting over this problem. The major hospitals all have clinics for this very common problem. You didn’t say how long she has been like this, so make sure she’s not drinking because of you! But if she’s drinking champagne you should send it to me, c/o the Pattaya Mail office.

Dear Hillary,
Can someone please tell me why all Thai women give the “V” sign when being photographed? None of them can tell me why they do it, nor what the significance is supposed to be. Any ideas, Hillary, the lady of letters, and hopefully of signs as well.
Jeff

Dear Jeff,
Like so many items in Thai culture, there undoubtedly is a reason, but that reason itself has been lost to obscurity (which merely means it is more than one generation old)! There is also confusion between the “V” sign of disrespect and the “V for Victory” sign as used by Winston Churchill (knuckles facing towards the giver, as opposed to the knuckles outwards while giving the sign of derision). So take another look, Jeff, you will find that most of the “V’s” are the Victory signs, probably a celebration by the model that she was beautiful enough to be photographed. From all that, you will have seen that I have no real idea, but my research showed that the “V” sign did not date back to English archers, as they needed three fingers to pull the long bows.

Dear Hillary,
I hear that it is lucky to walk under an elephant. Is this true? Has anybody been trod on?
Ron

Dear Ron,
Yes it is lucky to walk under an elephant, and to my knowledge nobody has been stepped on - but watch out when it wants to pee!