Heart to Heart: Where is Miss Right?

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Where is Miss Right?
Dear Hillary,
I see a lot of girls in my local shopping center in town, and many are quite nice. I see them resting on the seats. I know you say we older farangs should stay away from the bars and I have followed that advice, but will I find Miss Right in the shopping center? Or do I have to lie about my age (I’m a pensioner) and go back to university? What should I do? I’m getting tired of being lonely.
Lonely Larry

Dear Lonely Larry,
What shower did you come down in, my lonely Petal? Must have been the last one. Will you find Miss Right waiting on the bench for you at the supermarket? No Larry, you will only find Miss Take there. Mistake if you talk to her and Miss Take all your money by the time you reach the checkout counter. These are freelance girls who can disappear very easily and you will never find where she went or came from (other than Aisle B next to the hot dog counter). They are more dangerous than the girls from the bars. At least Hello Sexy Man bar will still be there tomorrow, and the mamasan knows the ID of her girls. As far as lying about your age, that’s not such a bad idea. I heard of one 70 year old chap, when seen walking down the street with a cute 17 year old, told his friends it was easy. “I lied about my age. I told her I was 95!” If you are getting really desperate, talk to the girls in the optical stores. They are all well dressed and university graduates. You must be needing glasses at your age, so you’ve got a good excuse for being there. They also do eye checks for free, and that’s a free offer without a hoop of balloons outside either. Don’t despair, Larry. Just be nice to everyone you meet. Very soon someone will snap you up for whom you are, and not just to get their hands on your pension.



Corridor trysts
Dear Hillary,
One of the girls at my office has been very friendly to me recently. Holds my hand when talking to me in the corridor, and always goes out of her way to talk to me and smiles a lot in my direction. Her English seems pretty good, but I don’t know if she is married or not. She did ask me what I was going to give her for Xmas and this knocked me over a bit, so I did get her some chocolates, but I haven’t progressed further. Where do I go from here?
Confused



Dear Confused,
From the sketchy details you have given me, Petal, it is very hard to know exactly what is in the lady’s mind. However, she obviously does enjoy her chats in the corridor. You say you don’t know if she is married or not, so how is Hillary going to know! But it is easy to find out. Next time you are having a chat in the corridor, why don’t you just ask her? “Are you married?” is not difficult to say, is it? If that momentous step is too daunting, just ask one of the other girls in the office if she is married. Thais are very inquisitive and all the office girls will know each other’s marital status (and ‘martial’ status too). Loosen up a little, or maybe you’d like to join Lonely Larry in the supermarket. The price check lady in the vegetable section is fairly unattached, I believe!

Narcissus
Dear Hillary,
My letter is a little bit different from all the usual no-hopers who write in to you. I’m a happy, single man, well off, get my pick of the ladies, so why am I writing to you? My only problem is that after a couple of nights, the ladies all want to move in with me. Some of them bring over not just a change of clothes, but a whole wardrobe full. I have no intention of settling down – and why should I? Like I say, I get my pick, so why spoil it. You must have heard the saying ‘why buy a book when you can join a library?’
Pete


Dear Pete,
How lucky are you? You get to wake up with the most adorable man in the world, in your opinion – yourself. Time to change your name to Narcissus, though I would suggest you take all the mirrors down in your bathroom, or you might find yourself falling in love just like the long departed Narcissus did. Poor Narcissus saw his reflection and fell in love with it, and could not be away from it, and pined to death looking into the reflection in the pool. Meanwhile the nymph Echo who fell in love with Narcissus also pined away, just like your ‘lucky’ ladies who try and leave their clothes in your wardrobe. It is not often I can indulge myself in a little romancing, but Pete, you may think you are God’s gift to women, but you’re not. You’re nothing new, you’re just another meal ticket, Petal.