Heart to Heart: New bulb needed for BiB check


New bulb needed for BiB check
Dear Hillary,
Did you know the BiB are doing roadside checks in the wee hours as well as during the daytimes? Do you think this is fair? The bars are having a hard enough time of it as it is.

Dear Jerry,
You are complaining to the wrong person, my Petal. I don’t ride my bicycle at night because the bulb is broken. Anyway, nobody sends me enough alcohol to make me go over the limit, even if they let me off the headlight thing. The rear light works well though.

In defense of Eve
Dear Hillary,
I feel sorry for those who are so distressed they have to write to you. They think their problem with the ladies of the night (I like that more than bar girls) are something new or different. It has been this way since the first time Eve tempted Adam. From then on, all her descendants knew how to get anything they wanted from any man, and quite simply by playing up to the man’s weaknesses. This is natural behavior and not something the ladies in the bars have invented. The following limerick shows just how misguided a man can be.

“In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his Madam,
And great was his mirth,
For he knew that on earth
There were only two b*lls and he had ‘em.”

Dear Manny,
You made me laugh, but that limerick needs bringing up to date, and I respectfully suggest the new version should go

“In the beer bars of Pattaya lay Adam,
Complacently stroking a Madam,
And great was the girl’s mirth,
As she knew that on earth,
He already had two bills and had paid ‘em.”

Renewing passports
Dear Hillary,
I am having problems getting my passport renewed. I travel in and out of Thailand every three weeks and when I ask they say it might take six weeks. I can’t afford that sort of time. What do you suggest I do?

Dear Baz,
You don’t say what kind of passport you have. If it is a UK one, a friend recently got a new 10 year one through one of the visa companies, and I think that goes for most of them. Ask around your friends what they did. I am told a place called Key Visa in South Pattaya gave good service.

Just three more for the road?
Dear Hillary,
How much alcohol can you take on a daily basis before it harms you? My GF has two or three wines when we go out for dinner, but then when we get home she will have another bottle in the fridge which I share with her to be sociable, and then there’s the night cap which is some cocktail or other. In the morning the bedroom smells like a brewery. What should I do?

Dear Tony,
You are telling me how much she drinks but indicate you drink along with her “to be sociable” you say. Looks like the pot calling the kettle black to me. Why don’t you both give up drinking for a month and then review the situation from there? I have this feeling that one or both of you will fail after three days. I was once told (by a doctor) that the definition of an alcoholic is someone who drinks more than their doctor. Find a tee-total physician.

Look out for doggy doo
Dear Hillary,
We used to have a very quiet neighborhood until a family moved in with three dogs. They wander round the place, barking if you go near them (as dogs do) so I don’t walk around our village any more without a stick to beat them off if I need it. A friend swears by a device which gives off a sound which scares them away, but it is so high pitched that we can’t hear it, but dogs can. Do you know where I can get one of these? It sounds just what I need.

Dear Grahame,
Maybe this device will work for you, but surely the first line of attack is to ask the new neighbors to keep their dogs in and not let them roam the streets. Are you sure the dogs belong to them, and not a couple of soi dogs. Does Security not stop them? Have you told Security? I don’t know where you would get the “Doggone” machine, but the Landlord of Jameson’s pub walks to work and hasn’t been showing bite marks, so maybe he’s got one. Or maybe the dogs don’t drink!

Sunday is a day of unrest
Dear Hillary,
These gentlemen who mow their lawns on a Sunday have no thought for other people who like to sleep in on a Sunday. What should I do?

Dear Jim,
Gentlemen don’t mow lawns, that job is done by the gardener, so speak to yours and ask him to speak to the others and all do the lawns on Saturday. That’s the simple answer (which won’t work). The other defense is to wear ear protectors when you go to bed, and close the windows and doors. You could also try poisoning the grass, but just don’t get caught.