Heart to Heart: Is there a bar in Terminal 21?


Is there a bar in Terminal 21?
Dear Hillary,
I love your column, but it always amazes me that so many Brits fall for the same traps. I come here with my wife every year for three months and we of course don’t spend our time in the bars as there are so many good things to see or do. How the traffic is going to handle the new 21 shopping center, complete with its own jet plane in the car park, I don’t know. Our friends back home don’t believe us. Getting back to my question, my wife suggests that there should be a warning on the airline tickets, maybe using your wise words?
Albert and Maddy

Dear Albert and Maddy,
What a lovely couple you are, worrying about the young lads on their holidays. Do the warnings on cigarette packets really work? The same would go for warnings on airline tickets I think. There have been many books written with warnings about falling in love with a Thai lady, but like the fag packet warnings, do they actually get read? No, I think that for the young lads Pattaya is just another step towards maturity. A step they will remember all their lives. So, if they lose a little money on the way, does it really matter? You get nothing for nothing.

Pla Ra for dinner?
Dear Hillary,
Where do you suggest I take my Thai GF for dinner? She is an up-country girl so not used to haute cuisine, but I’d like to take her somewhere she will enjoy for her birthday, but not too expensive either.

Dear Hamish,
What a lovely Scottish name. And a lovely Scottish tight hand on the sporran. Or wherever you Scottish people keep your money. Hamish, my Petal, your lovely girl from Isaan is used to sitting on the floor, sharing the curries and rice, and not Canadian lobster. If she invites a couple of friends, you are looking at spending 200 baht on food, and 1,000 baht on Thai whisky. Cheap enough for you? You can always go chasing balloons for a really top night if the balloons are too exy.

Soapy, soapy
Dear Hillary,
I read that the owners of the big flashy massage parlor in Bangkok have been sent to jail for peddling prostitution. Are they kidding? If some randy old blokes want to indulge, surely it is better in an upmarket surroundings than a grubby suburban back street knocking shop?

Dear Confused,
Yes you have got yourself confused, Petal. They got put away for promoting under-age prostitution, and that was under 15 years old, not for the “shop” itself. The idea of a “happy ending” is something between the masseuse and the client and is between two consenting adults, and as far as I know does not break the law, but then I’ve never been in Victoria’s Secret Massage, so it can remain “secret”.

Instruction manuals
Dear Hillary,
I read with interest an article in headed “Good Old Days”. It contained an extract from a home economics textbook printed in the 60’s “The Good Wife Guide”. I was hoping that you could have the text translated into Thai and reprinting it in a future Pattaya Mail. My motives are entirely honorable. I merely intend to have the Thai transcript of the guide enlarged into poster size and hung up on my wall so that my Thai wife can read it every time she forgets the reason she was put on this planet. Thanks Hillary. An instruction manual for the after dinner entertainment might be useful as well. There’s more to it than a muffled moan during congress.

  1. PS. I think the Thai poster version would sell like hot cakes!

Honorable Neil

Dear Honorable Neil,
A real MCP (left over from the 70’s) otherwise known as a Male Chauvinist Pig! Neil, my precious Petal, you don’t honestly think Hillary is going to support this cause, do you? I will ignore the reference to “my boss” as Hillary is a self-determining lady of uncertain years, and as such, doesn’t have a “boss”. But really, do you expect your Thai wife to spend the finale for the day planning your evening needs? Come on, Neil. However, if your wife is not giving a “small moan … to indicate enjoyment” during the act of “congress” then perhaps it’s your technique that is lacking. Perhaps an instruction book in English, rather than your poster in Thai might be a better plan.

Waiting for puberty
Dear Hillary,
I am sure that you must make up some of the letters in your column because surely people are not that silly. What I want to know is just how do you dream up the subject matter? Do you study other agony aunt columns or what? Do you get your inspiration from real life? Tell me and I promise not to tell a single solitary soul.
The Enquirer

Dear Enquirer,
Are you suggesting Hillary makes up this drivel? Sorry, Poppet, Hillary couldn’t possibly make up letters as silly as yours. So you think people aren’t that silly – well think again – you are one of them, my little turtle dove. Don’t take this too hard, but when you have passed puberty you must write to me again.