Heart to Heart: Get the lycra out


Get the lycra out
Dear Hillary,
My 23 year old GF wants to go to yoga classes, and wants me to go with her. I wouldn’t mind going once a week, but this is five days a week, and I’m over 60. Of course she has to have the lycra gear to go with it and a couple of changes for different days. I went with her for the first lesson and I was sore the next day. It might be fine for Thai women, but not for me. The GF is putting the weights on me to sign up (and pay for her as well).

Dear Ferdy,
If it makes you feel better, most people who sign up for Yoga classes never go the whole distance. However, I think you should adopt the Empty Wallet position, followed by the Close the Door on Your Way Out pose. Ferdy, you are being taken to the cleaners while in the Lotus.

The Duck Test again
Dear Hillary,
I hear that one of your readers wants to apply the British Standard (BS) Duck Test to all women. “If a bird looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.” He must have really lost a lot to be so bitter. All women are not the same. Thai women are not the same as western ones and bar girls are a different species altogether. He should stop feeling sorry for himself and get out and enjoy the company of the ladies in the bars. That’s what they’re there for. You don’t have to buy the entire library when you want to read a book.
Jim from Oz

Dear Jim from Oz,
Despite the 50 percent divorce rate in many countries, including Australia, all women are very obviously not the same. I’m not like that for one. Despite the writer’s pessimism, his 0.01 percent still works out as 1,000 women, even in Australia. I agree that if you want a ‘good time’, the good time girls are there to give it to you. A girl for the good times in life, is not a girl who is good for life times. It should also be understood that a beer bar is not an outside office for a marriage agency. I have said in this column many times that you don’t go into a hardware shop if you are looking for a piece of cheese.

Public service
Dear Hillary,
I enjoy your bits each week and the advice is right on. Somebody said you should get a raise from your editor and I reckon so too. You are doing a public service so you should get the top dollar. All the ones in the US like Oprah get big money, so should you. Keep up the good work.

Dear Hughie,
Aren’t you just the nicest man! Comparing poor little Hillary with the mighty Oprah! However there are some differences between us, you know. She’s in America, for one! You worry me though, when you say you “enjoy my bits” each week. What “bits” are we talking about here? Some of my bits are never discussed here in the column. This is a family newspaper Hughie. As far as a raise is concerned, I’ll show your letter to the editor, but he’ll just laugh and say I made it up.

Saddle sores
Dear Hillary,
I’m a bit new to Thailand, so I’m probably not the first to ask this, but why do Thai women sit sideways on motorcycles? When did it start? Have they always done this? You would never see anything like this in England, so it really blows me away every time.
Sideways Sam

Dear Sideways Sam,
You seem to have your eyes open here, but you must have had them closed in the UK. Go to any horsey event and you will see the women riding side-saddle. Even the Queen of England rode side-saddle for the trooping of the color. However, getting back to your question regarding riding side-saddle here, it is for the sake of decency, young man. How can a woman in a long skirt, or even more in a short skirt, look polite and decorous with the hem hitched up above the hips, and legs hanging down each side of motorcycle (or horse, buffalo or elephant, take your pick)? Thai women have had wrap skirts for years and rode buffaloes side-saddle, long before the motorcycle arrived in the villages.

Short back and sides
Dear Hillary,
I went to my usual barbers the other day to find it was closed. This was something new to me, so I drove around to see the next one, and it was closed as well. I have now been told that all barbers close on Wensdays (sic) and it was a Wensday (sic) that I was looking at. Can you tell me why they all want to shut on that day? I had to spend the rest of the afternoon in the pub instead.
Hairy Harry.

Dear Hairy Harry,
Aren’t you lucky, it was just the Bar-ber that was closed, and not the Bar-beer! We consider it to be bad luck to cut your hair on a Wednesday, so the clever barbers may as well close, rather than spread the bad luck.