Madam or whatever

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Sir, Madam or whatever, as the case may be,

Your age, gender and nationality remains a mystery and all three of your regular readers are concerned about your qualifications to dispense what they often consider questionable advice.  Would you therefore please be so kind as to confirm or otherwise the following?

1. You are not from America as you never advise a correspondent to seek, for all Americans essential, therapy or counseling.

2. You do not originate from the UK as you lack the finesse of such an upbringing.

3.  You are not Australian as you never refer to your digery (sic) doo or call people cobber.

4. You could be Thai with a poor command of the English language.

5. You could be female as you have no sense.

6. You could be male as you lack compassion.

7. Most likely you are a very confused katoey who doesn’t know an arm from an elbow.

8. Age?  Probably either pre-school or old enough to be suffering from dementia.

9. Your day job?  Maybe a retired Turntable Underlooker Quality Control Inspector (Grade 3) in a gramophone factory now a part time cone counter at one of the numerous permanent road work sites.

I won’t mention the other theories as I do not wish to cause offence and in any event this is a family newspaper.

Awfully sorry, have just scoffed the chocs and bubbly bought for you.  However, have only sucked the chocolate off the brazils and I am saving the nuts for your enjoyment.

Puzzled Petal from Pattaya

Dear Puzzled Petal from Pattaya,

You are a twisted young boy, aren’t you, Petal.  I am not going to give you the pleasure of my going through your insulting list and refuting your specious statements.  However, I do note that you are not an Australian either, as the people from the land down there know how to spell didgeridoo, which is more than you can doo.  I’ll pass on the nuts as well.