Heart to Heart – May 1, 2019


Toe Cutter Gang

Dear Hillary,

How did us single farangs get along before you? Though I am told that you are older than Methusala (not sure of the spelling, but you know who I mean). How do you keep up answers for the fellows who get themselves in trouble every week? I’ve no problems, a nice little fan who cuts my nails and never complains, but what about the rest of them?


Dear Jim,

The gentleman you were referring to as being as old as Hillary, was Methuselah. That fine old gentleman lived to be 969 years old and died seven days before Noah’s great flood and was actually Noah’s grandfather. There are no worries about floods this year as you will be able to walk across Mabprachan reservoir later in the year! Now about all the local farangs that you are worried about – stop worrying, my Petal. Most fix their own problems, and it is only a few that have to call on my inestimable (big word for a Friday) advice. I’m glad you are not having any problems with the toe cutter gang (get the movie Mad Max on DVD) and hope that life for you continues without complaints.


Out of the thousands, he picks a slack one

Dear Hillary,

Are Thai women naturally lazy? I’m fairly new at this live in malarkey but she is already giving me the gripes with her laziness. Laundry basket? Nah, just drop the dirty clothes on the floor, it’s a wall to wall basket. Put anything away? Nah, just drape everything on the clothes rack. I’m used to clothes hanging off every bit of furniture in the old country where it’s wet all the time, but it’s not like that here.


Dear Jerry,

You can’t lump all Thai women into the same (laundry) basket, Petal. There are hardworking ones, dedicated family ones, and the odd lazy one or three. You’ve picked a lazy one. So what are you going to do about it? Or, rather, what can you do about it? The choice is yours, Jerry, you can follow behind her like a slave and pick up her dirty clothes, and hang the others in the wardrobe (I do presume you actually have a wardrobe). Or you can employ a full time maid to follow around after her. Or, you can educate her in the way you want. Or you can help her find her clothes and pack them in a suitcase and wave her goodbye. Which will it be, Jerry? Now I’ll make it easy for you. Don’t become her slave. Employing a full time maid is admitting defeat and you will begin to resent paying an unnecessary salary each month. So can you educate this lazy Thai woman to change her ways? Just remember, Jerry, that you can lead a horse to drink, but you can’t make it water! So the final choice is to get rid of her. Oh, you might find you will have to pay a re-location fee, but it is just a once only. Lots of luck.


Karaoke obsession

Dear Hillary,

What is the attraction of karaoke bars? My Thai GF and her friends all end up in one of these places after work and they can spend hours there. The Pattaya Mail’s Dr. Iain, in one of his books, stated that karaoke was Japan’s revenge for WW2 and I agree with him. People singing out of tune in front of a TV screen being used as an auto prompt machine is certainly not entertainment as far as I am concerned. They don’t seem to care about singing ability either, and the screams of enjoyment is certainly not music to the ears.


Dear (Judgmental) Jason,

Have you some deep-down problem with karaoke itself, or karaoke and your Thai GF and friends? Do they spend “hours there” which you feel is eating into your time with your GF? I am also not a lover of karaoke, which is why you won’t find me at one of these places, but the people who do enjoy it are not hurting anyone, so you should not get so uptight, my Petal. Go and watch football with your mates and holler every time a goal is scored, and maybe you will find that this is a relief from the stresses, just as your GF does with her karaoke friends.


Ménage a trois

Dear Hillary,

An old GF from the UK is coming out for a holiday for a couple of weeks in December. She is making it obvious that she expects to stay with me, for old time’s sake, I think. We last had a fling 10 years ago but we are both now pensioners, and I wonder if I can still perform as I find break dancing too strenuous, and her pacemaker must be due for new batteries by now. Should I tell her that I am now living with George and enjoying the gay life?


Dear Harold,

Pull the other leg, it plays Colonel Bogey. Honestly, my Petal, if you are being serious, you know the answer already – you get the old GF to bring a chap over for George, while you trip down memory lane with her. Simple.