Heart to Heart – June 3 – June 18, 2020


Finding a ‘good’ bar girl

Dear Hillary,

I’ve heard such terrible reports of what these bar girls are like (eat you up and spit you out with the seeds was one report I read), that I’m too afraid to have anything to do with them, though I would really like to have a girl’s company when I come over for two weeks in October if Covid and other attendant viruses will let me. How do you pick a good one from the bad ones?


Dear Oliver,

You are wanting a go-no go test for bar girls. There isn’t one Petal. You pay your money and takes your chances, I’m afraid. All you can do is to sit in the bar and let the never-ending stream of ladies massaging your thigh go past you. After a few nights you will soon see which lady is not ripping you off in the lady drinks department. That’s about as good as it gets. It’s try before you buy I’m afraid, but remember social distancing.


The step kids from hell

Dear Hillary,

I need some help here. Like many British expat pensioners I am living off the small pension I get from the old country, which is frozen at the level it was when I first came here 8 years ago. This is enough for me and my lady (we’re not married). But now her two grownup kids have come to stay with us. It’s been three months now and they just sit around and drink Thai whisky, don’t work and live off me. It’s costing me more than my pension. She tells me it is the Thai way. You know these things, what should I do?


Dear Chas,

It’s not the Thai way, my Petal. It’s the other way around – the children are supposed to look after the elders. For the sake of your health it’s the highway, not the “Thai way”. They are making use of you. Get out of there. Now!

Menage a trois

Dear Hillary,

An old GF from the UK has contacted me to say she is coming out for a holiday for a couple of weeks in December. She is making it obvious that she expects to stay with me, for old time’s sake, I think. We last had a fling 10 years ago but we are both now pensioners, and I wonder if I can still perform as I find brake dancing too strenuous, and her pacemaker must be due for new batteries by now as well. Should I tell her that I am now living with George and enjoying the gay life?


Dear Harry,

Pull the other leg, it plays Colonel Bogey. Honestly, my Petal, if you are being serious, you know the answer already – you get the old GF to bring a chap over for George, while you trip down memory lane with her. Simple.

Swayed by the moment

Dear Hillary,

Time and time again you have to tell some of these fellows with too much testosterone that the girls in the bars know what is going down and are good actresses. Is it that the visitors just don’t know, or are swayed by the moment into making stupid decisions? Do you know, Hillary?


Dear Elwyn,

A right can of worms you’ve opened there, my Petal. You certainly won’t find any blushing brides in the beer bars. They are hardened campaigners, most of them, attracted to the lifestyle and the money that can be made in a bar. Which would you rather? 4,000 baht a week as a bar girl (“working” two nights), or 1,500 as a shop assistant (working five days)? I like the fact that you give these men “get out of jail cards free” by suggesting they are swayed by the moment. Swayed by the 10th bottle of beer might be closer to the mark. That and the fact that a gorgeous young thing is sitting next to him rubbing his leg.


The Hillary Hotel

Dear Hillary,

I’m coming over to Thailand next November for a couple of weeks. Where do you suggest I stay as I have never been to Pattaya before? Must be clean and quiet and close to the strip, lady OK. Anything going for around B. 500?


Dear Jeff,

What do you think I am, Petal? A travel agent or something? Where anyone stays depends first on price, and you can find that out by going to the web. You won’t get much for B. 500, and you’ll get everything for B. 5,000. How much have you got to spend for your holiday budget? I think your “Lady OK” means can you bring a room mate home? Certainly, but you may be asked for a “joiners” fee, and they don’t mean a chap with a lump of wood and a fret saw. Give me a break, go and talk to a real travel agent, not an Agony Aunt.