Heart to Heart – June 27, 2019


Deeper or dump ‘er?

Dear Hillary,

You’ve probably heard this before, but I am just not sure of what way to jump. Getting hot and heavy with a Thai lady on this trip. She seems to be OK, but does drink a bit too much red vino for my liking. The problem is her circle of friends who all look a bit brainless to me, and all married to some poor saps overseas, and all living the high life on their monthly ‘salary’ which comes in from the husband. I am wondering what do you think I should do? Get in deeper or leave alone?


Dear Max,

I am sure you have heard “Birds of a feather, flock together.” I think you should be looking very carefully at her friends. Should you get in deeper, Petal? I think dump ‘er, not deeper, is the advice you don’t want to hear. Sounds to me like she’s probably between men, or looking for another sucker so that she will get an easy salary like her close circle, who are not “brainless”. They are working the system very well, and that takes brains to manage to keep all the balls in the air at one time.


A Chinese puzzle

Dear Hillary,

I work in the travel industry so in my job I have a lot of contact with Chinese business people. The latest group (they always travel in groups) was headed up by a woman, who made it obvious that she was interested in a little more than brochures. This was without common English, Thai or Mandarin languages. I’ve never been one to turn down something that was offered like this, but I think her husband was one of the group. So, should I give it a go as she told me she is coming back again next month, or toe the strictly business line? If you were in my shoes, Hillary, what would you do?


Dear Bart,

I like people who live dangerously, and you are a risk taker, Petal. Haven’t you ever heard about the Triads? Or read about the lawyer who had a fling with a Chinese lady and ended up having to sit down to pee after a kind of extended Chinese circumcision? The Chinese are just as much into revenge as the western world. And what would I do? I would make sure I was out of town, the next time she comes into town. I can’t make it any plainer than that, Art. You are already sliding down the razorblade of life, and using your testicles for brakes.


Age brings wisdom?

Dear Hillary,

How did us single farangs get along before you? Though I am told that you are older than Methuserla (not sure of the spelling, but you know who I mean). How do you keep up answers for the fellows who get themselves in trouble every week? I’ve no problems, a nice little fan who cuts my nails and never complains, but what about the rest of them?


Dear Jim,

Your concept was right, but your spelling a bit off. The gentleman you were referring to as being as old as Hillary, was Methuselah. That fine old gentleman lived to be 969 years old and died seven days before Noah’s great flood and was actually Noah’s grandfather. As you can see, he hopped off at the right time, as legend has it that he couldn’t swim. There are no worries about floods this year as Mabprachan Lake has enough spare volume to direct the water towards the needy areas and keep the rest under control! (Ignoring the Beach Road floods every week.)

Now about all the local farangs that you are worried about – stop worrying, my Petal. Most fix their own problems, and it is only a few that have to call on my inestimable (big word for a Friday) advice. I’m glad you are not having any problems with the toe cutter gang (get the movie Mad Max on DVD) and hope that life for you continues without complaints. Now, was that “single” farangs or “simple” farangs you were interested in?


Two sided Sam

Dear Hillary,

Recently you sent some poor chap looking for another girlfriend just because she borrowed some money from him. He gave her the money and she’s been a bit slow returning it. Have you asked if she had some difficult problems? No, you just sided with the fellow. Taking only one side in an argument is dangerous, Hillary. You should be more careful.


Dear Sam,

Are you trying to give me a warning, Sam? What do you want me to do with all the people needing my help? Say I’ll deal with the situation as soon as you get your girlfriend to contact me with her side of the story? Be real, Petal. This is a column for the love-lorn, not a marriage guidance clinic or the bank’s Non-Performing Loans department.