Heart to Heart – February 7 – February 20, 2020


Dearest Hillary,

I went to your office this week with a bottle of plonk and all, to be told by your staff that you don’t work there anymore. Tell me this isn’t true. You are the only reason I buy the paper. And what about all the expats that you keep from throwing themselves off tall buildings (though I do say you have let a few slip through last year)? Please don’t go. On behalf of the troubled people please stay.



Dear James,

You didn’t leave the wine, did you? You should know I don’t drink ‘plonk’, nothing short of a good French champagne please (though I have been known to take the odd glass of prosecco). Not much I can do about the Icarus jumping club without parachute. If you have some depressed friends, take them to see a psychiatrist. And I am not your “dearest” either.


Dear Hillary,

How are all your old whingers today? Every week there seems to be another expat who has been ripped off. With their blushing 17 year old ‘bride’ hanging on their arm all the way to the ATM and then off to the village until the money from the hole in the wall runs out. Don’t they ever learn? Or perhaps you should run classes for expats on how to avoid the bar girl trap? But I don’t think the depressed folk would attend lectures, do you?


Dear Art,

Why don’t you write the Bar Girl’s Manual and follow that up with the Bar Beer Drinkers Assistant? This way these two books would help the drinkers to understand what the bar girl is thinking and what the drinker is thinking. (Not much beyond the end of his pencil (sorry about the poor spelling) I would suggest. Your “old whingers” come to Thailand because they are unhappy in their own native country, and nothing will cheer them up in the long term, but at least they get a short term lift from the “bride”.


Dear Hillary,

I have had a jokey type relationship with my hairdresser for about six months. Last week she made it clear (I thought) that she would be interested in a little after hours fun, and we ended up with some slap and tickle in the back of the salon, nothing too deep, just what you’d call petting. I dropped by today with the idea of floating the idea of her closing the shop for an hour or two one afternoon, but she was not even in for a bit of a cuddle, so I did not pursue the idea. What gives with these Thai women, Hillary? I’ve had this before with lots of sexy suggestions, but then backing out at the last minute. Is this the way their culture demands or what? And should I keep trying with this dame?



Dear Jo-Jo,

My Petal, you have mistaken harmless fun with the real thing. Your hairdresser is just trying to keep you as a customer. A little snog every so often does not mean that she is ready for a roll between the covers at the local Lonely Hearts Club Scissors Hotel, room by the hour. Don’t get so serious with these ladies, they are just having some fun with you, but that’s all. If you are only looking for short term rumpy pumpy company then a Bar Beer, rather than a Barber, is where you go. Understand now?


Dear Hillary,

Can you have a test for compatibility with curry? The GF loves Indian food but I can’t take the heat. She’s from the north so has eaten spicy food all her life while I come from England and we don’t eat spicy food at all. She wants me to share the food with her so we get about four dishes and I struggle with one while she gobbles three. End result is she’s put on 10 kg while I’ve lost 2 kg. The previous GF was the same, but don’t tell me to choose from a western woman instead of a Thai lady. What to do next?



Dear Jeremy,

The local ladies spicing up your life a little too much? You won’t get the GF’s to change – they’ve been eating chillis all their lives, as you point out. There’s an old English phrase “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” so that’s what you have to do. And here is Hillary to tell you how it is done. Watch a Thai cook making something in the wok. What does she spread over the food? Sugar. The degree of spiciness is altered by the sugar. So as soon as your mouth is on fire, take one teaspoon of sugar and sprinkle on your tongue. Within one minute the fire will be manageable. Carry those little sachets you get in the coffee shops.