Heart to Heart – April 3 – April 16, 2020

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Dear Hillary,

I have no problems living here in Thailand. I can get as many ‘film stars’ as I want, who think I’m just the greatest. They don’t cost me much money – a lot less than a wife would ever cost back home. I get someone different every night I want. The beer is cheap and if you choose the bar which has a pig on a spit, you get free food as well. Just how good is that? It amazes me just how some of these losers can find life so difficult over here. It’s Paradise!

Jimmy




Dear Jimmy,

I am glad to see that you think you have arrived in Paradise, but you haven’t been here long, have you. The regular kid in the candy store, that’s you, isn’t it. We also have a name for the guys who follow the roast pigs, we call them ‘balloon chasers’ because the balloons are there to attract the poor mouths. I’m also glad that you think your ‘film stars’ think you’re just the greatest. Learn some Thai, Jimmy my Cheap Charlie Petal, and you’ll find out what they really think about you, and I guarantee it won’t be complimentary. And as for your “Paradise”, did you ever read John Milton’s poem “Paradise Lost”? I probably doubt it, it was a bit before your time, and was 10 books long. A little bit too much brain tasking for you, I would imagine. Enjoy the pigs.

 

Dear Hillary,

Didn’t mean to be clogging up your column, but your reply to my letter just reminded me of something. Sick buffalos, haven’t they been sick since the Vietnam War? That’s an awfully long time. If they’re still alive, they should have been taken off a life support so these poor souls can rest in peace. I promise, I wouldn’t be writing you for a while b/c other people (like those love sick farangs) have more urgent needs than me.

As always,

Your fan from the USA

Dear Fan from the USA,

Always happy to hear from a true animal lover like yourself, prepared to place the family buffalo in the ICU ward since the end of the Vietnam War. However, I agree, it’s time to pull the plug on these unfortunate animals. Unfortunately, the new crop of post-Vietnam ladies of the night is adept at keeping the tale going to post-Vietnam wet behind the ears tourists to Thailand. These things have a habit of continuing to go around, and around and around. Where there is a well filled wallet, there is always someone wanting to help empty it. “Hello sexy man. Buy me cola?”

 

Dear Hillary,

I think my Thai wife is two timing me. When I go off-shore I leave my motorcycle in the garage. Being a British bike, I expect some drops of oil on the garage floor, but recently, on the last two trips, the garage floor is oil-spotless. The only way this could happen is if someone has taken the bike away while I’m off-shore. Is my wife giving it away? If she is, why doesn’t she tell me about it? Or does she have a Thai boyfriend waiting till I say goodbye every month? Why she would do this is beyond me as I give her everything she wants, gold chains and everything. I really cannot think of any other reason for the garage floor to be so clean. Do you think the seals have taken up, or what is happening? Is there another logical answer?

Beezer

Dear Beezer,

Sorry to disappoint you, Petal, but none of your suppositions are correct. Seals don’t “take up” while a bike is not being used. The seals dry out and the leaks become far more, well that’s what Somchai, the leader of the motorcycle push on the corner of my street tells me. Somchai also tells me that you should check the odometer – the thingy that tells you how many km you have done. That will tell you right away if the bike has been used. Anyway, the more likely reason that there are no tell-tale oil drops is the fact that there is no oil left. Check that first before doing DNA tests on the saddle.

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Dear Hillary,

My Thai GF and I get along very well, other than one thing – she is forever going up-country to visit her folks in the sticks, stays there for three or four days and then comes back and our relationship is very good again. There is nothing there in her village – it’s primitive (I’ve been there once, that was enough). So why the need to go up-country? Do you think she has a husband up there or something like that?

Worried

Dear Worried,

Are you asking me if I think this girl has someone in her “primitive” village that takes her back there, then I would say, very definitely yes. You do not understand Thai customs, Petal. Your saying “There is nothing in her village,” shows just how little you understand Thai families. She has her mother and father up there, and that is enough. She may also have children up there. Have you considered that possibility? Far more likely than a husband hiding in the buffalo shed. A friendly chat with your GF should soon reveal all!