Heart to Heart – April 24 – May 7, 2020


Dear Hillary,

I was over on holidays at the end of last year and I was amazed at the way the local girls could balance sitting sideways on a motor bike, while talking on the phone and having a drink at the same time. Is this the same all over Thailand, or just Pattaya? I came over with a couple of mates and we didn’t get to go anywhere else.



Dear Gordie,

Observant little person aren’t you. And yes, the girls are amazingly well balanced, but it is easy to see why. I am presuming you are male as you already know the answer. Have you ever tried wearing a short skirt while sitting astride a motorcycle? Even wearing a kilt would be a problem. And riding a buffalo would be impossible. No wonder the poor animals get sick all the time. Don’t believe me? Ask any of the girls about the health of the family buffalo. Vets in the north-east must make a fortune.


Dear Hillary,

I sort of know the answer to my question. Why do the barbers close on a Wednesday? I can understand they get tired with the snip snip snip, but they can’t all get tired on the same day surely.


Dear Jerry,

You must go to a very old barber. Snip snip snip? It’s more like buzz buzz buzz these days. It’s all a folklore thing. Just the same as fish on Fridays. It is considered bad luck to get your hair cut on Wednesday, so since nobody wants bad luck (especially now) they go on Thursdays. So since there are no customers, better to shut up shop.

Hello Hillary,

Thank you so much for your reply to my previous e-mail where I had implied that I can’t get a bird in a brothel! I took your advice, went into a bar and slapped 2,000 baht on the table and shouted “OK birds, I am over here, come and get it!” And did they… they were all over me, and it was all going fine. I had a great time. However, it slipped out! It had to I suppose! What can I do! I didn’t mean to do it, but a ‘gnaam’ just slipped out. I think it was followed by a ‘lie lie der’. That was it, a deathly silence. Then one of the birds said “Falang Laos” and the party was over. Oh dear, I’ll try again next week. You lucky people that only speak English!


I ain’t bovvered

Dear I ain’t bovvered,

Despite your hiding behind your pseudonym of ‘I ain’t bovvered’, I get the distinct impression that you are very ‘bovvered’ by it all. Otherwise you wouldn’t be writing to me with your tales of woe, would you Possum? Re-reading your email, I am glad it was just a ‘gnaam’ that slipped out. For a while there I thought you were trying to make pun of me. I also get the distinct impression that you are an antipodean with that quaint way to refer to the bar girls as “birds”. The only way the ladies of the night are similar to our feathered friends is that some of them have been known to go “Cheep Cheap” under certain financial conditions and good at midnight flights under other conditions. Best of luck and ‘kaneedur’.

Dear Hillary,

Can you recommend a good computer technician? Every time my computer breaks down, the technician takes it away to fix it, and returns it several days later and when I go to use it, something else has packed up. “You haven’t got enough RAM,” seems to be the catchword with these people, but even after buying more, the problems are still there. Any ideas, Hillary?


Dear Frazzled,

You’re lucky it’s only a RAM problem. I’ve bought a veritable sheep station of RAMs and now they’re telling me it is my operating system that is no good. I ask you, what’s wrong with Windows 1946? It worked before, why not now? Honestly Petal, I have no idea about this modern technology. Bring back faxes, I say. I could understand those.


Dear Hillary,

I got shown a letter where a guy had written to one of the local bar girls that he was coming back at Christmas and how he was looking forward to seeing her again. I said to her that he sounded like a nice guy, but she didn’t remember him! “Where he come from?” was the reply. When I said Germany, then she remembered that it was either George or Hans! How can these girls keep living like this? Have they no sense of responsibility?


Dear Amazed,

You should not be amazed, I am amazed that there are still people like you around, who think that there are “rules of association” with girls in bars. Petal, these girls are working there. Their “job” is to look after unattached males in return for financial rewards. Her George or Hans was just another passing face in the crowd, but don’t worry, five minutes after he arrives she will have recognized his wallet and will make his holiday memorable again.