Heart to Heart – April 18, 2019


Short order cook required

Dear Hillary,

My Thai GF cannot cook western food, and will not even try these days. Thai food OK, she just runs across the street to the wheelbarrow that cooks all the smelly North Eastern food which I won’t let in the house. It’s even worse than Durian, which is banned just about everywhere. All I can do is go down the pub, because they sell British food. I might have a few pints since I’m down there, and the girl starts complaining when I get home that I smell of beer. Seems like I can’t win either way.

Brummy Bob

Dear Brummy Bob,

You are right in the fact that right now you are in a lose-lose situation. If you put up with it any longer, you must be a Brummy Woose. Come on man, stop wallowing in self pity, even cook yourself a toasted ham sandwich. Go down the pub and take as long as you like. If she won’t look after you the way Thai women look after their partners, kick her out, with the ban on Pra Ra (the smelly stuff), extend that to becoming a ban on her coming into the house. There’s no earthly way you should put up with it. There’s plenty of girls in Pattaya who would love to help you with bed and English breakfast, Petal.


French fizzwater needed

Dear Hillary,

You keep on reminding your readers that you like French fizzwater, vintage of course. I would send you a bottle of Bolly if that is possible, but it isn’t. Like lots of your readers, we live off-shore and who could we trust to get a large bottle through customs? Even if we found a way to get it through and on to your desk, somebody would nick it before you had your hand on the cork. With AI being all the rage, you will just have to imagine the bubbles on your tongue. Sorry.


Dear Bill,

If you ever get to Thailand, you would be called “Bin” or even “Check Bin”, which has nothing to do with Baltic countries. In the meantime I will imagine those bubbles, as you say, and hope that one day you will find a bottle of Veuve Clicquot Grande Dame looking for a home. The door’s open, Bin my Petal.


Sparkling, sensational, super and sexy

Dear Hillary,

I’m in trouble again. Met this crazy bird who had me eating out of her hand within 10 minutes. Sparkling, sensational, super and sexy. I took her home and read all of the above. Had to miss the next two nights as I was sent to Chiang Mai for work, but when I came back from up north, she didn’t want to know me. Didn’t want a lady drink, nothing. It was as if I never existed and the sexy night we had before never happened. What am I supposed to do now?


Dear Jimmy,

What do you want for your 16th birthday, Petal? You have a long way to go yet in the battleground called “women”. You fell for a professional lady of the night, who was doing her job, and very well too, it would seem. But just by bobbing up again like a rabbit from a gopher hole, all bright eyed and bushy tailed, doesn’t change the way she acts. Go to a better bar, and grow up. Or rather, grow up first and then go to a bar. And, by the way, I think you are telling porky pies.


Linguistically challenged

I have been transferred to Thailand by my company for the next two years. I am a native English speaker, and so far I find the Thai language very difficult, to almost well-nigh impossible. What is the best way to learn the lingo? I see there are quite a few “language schools”, but I get the feeling they are just out to rip me off with their high fees. I want to converse with my lady friend a little better. Some suggestions please.


Dear Len the linguist,

I can’t recommend one language school above the others, as I haven’t needed to go to one myself. The larger ones are fairly reputable I am told, Petal. The best way, I am told, is ‘immersion’ where you go somewhere where nobody speaks your language and you have to learn Thai, just the same as a small child picks up Thai. Three year olds have a good command of the language, after all. This might be difficult for you if you are employed down here, so you might have to sign up for lessons. There is another method, called ‘pillow talk’ where your lady friend teaches you, but again, I am not offering!


Abbreviations again

Dear Hillary,

My GF wants me to take her to a S/T hotel. I don’t want to look stupid, but what is this S/T hotel?


Dear Newbie,

You really are a newbie. S/T stands for Short Time, and if you don’t know what that is, write in again next week.