Heart to Heart – Friday November 16, 2018 – November 22, 2018


The beer’s cold at 7-11

Dear Hillary,

I live in a townhouse and I have noisy neighbors, one on each side. I’m just renting so the neighbors don’t really care about me, I think. If they played their music inside their houses it would be better, but every couple of nights they sit out on their front patios, have a party, drink beer and scream and laugh till the early hours. When I first moved in I tried being nice and even brought them over a couple of bottles of beer but that didn’t do too much other than keep them going longer. Is there some department I could approach and get them to quieten them up?


Dear Bernie,

The noise is obviously getting to you. “Quieten them up”. Like Sam Goldwyn’s “Include me out.” But of course there is something you can do – leave. My Petal, Thai people are happy people, and part of the enjoyment is noise. Lots of it. There is no way you will get them to turn the music down. Even if the Prime Minister were to rock up one evening he wouldn’t stop them, he’d sit down with them and have some of your beer which you so kindly sent over, and join in the karaoke. Leave and rent a small house on a large property.


With two more girls I’ve got a threesome

Dear Hillary,

Have I got a mother-in-law problem? There are so many 30 something year old beautiful girls, it is no wonder we all end up with one (or two) of them. Doesn’t always work out, but there is plenty more. That’s not my problem, as I have a very good young wife, with a very young looking mother (my mother in law). Mother and daughter decided that at the weekends, mother would come and stay with us, which lets daughter out on Saturday night with her friends, while mother keeps me company. This seemed like fun, and mother made it very clear she wanted to get close to me when we are sitting watching the telly. We started snuggling and of course it led to going to bed together. Now every weekend is the same, telly and bed. Mother tells me not to worry as her daughter wants us to get close while she goes out and comes home drunk at 2 in the morning. In the morning Mother is in bed with me, while daughter is still sleeping it off in mother’s bed. What should I do about this?


Dear Graeme,

You really have got yourself into a pickle, haven’t you? Not quite a ‘ménage a trois’, so why are you worried? However, I can only see this ending in tears. One or both of your lady friends, mother and daughter, will get upset and it will be all over. Mother can go back to her house, and you are left with the daughter who will want to keep on drinking with her friends (and others) at weekends. There is no easy way out of this my Petal. The most likely scenario is a fight between the two women, daughter will leave you alone and all you get left is mother.


Not quite so jolly

Dear Hillary,

Next door’s alarm went off and sounded for about 15 minutes. Nobody in the village even stopped. As they are my neighbors I thought I should do something. They have a guard dog but it wasn’t interested. I tried to contact the people but no answer to the phone. The next morning their car was in the driveway, so I presume everything was OK. What should I have done, and don’t say go inside their gate, the dog is a monster.


Dear Jolly,

First you buy sedatives from the pharmacy and pack them into some large beefsteaks. Then you throw them over the fence to where the dog is. After the dog has gone to sleep, then go into the neighbor’s yard while clutching a cricket bat. If the dog wakes up get out of there immediately and repeat step 1. Step 2 is to locate the burglar while threatening to use the cricket bat. If it is an American house, then a baseball bat is acceptable. At this point it is time for step 3. Haggling over the money to be paid under the table for your silence. For an ordinary house, 10K should be enough, though 20K if it is a posh place. Don’t accept a check or goods in exchange.


The price of silence

Dear Hillary,

When my steady was away up-country I asked a girl out for a drink from the local bar. Now she sends me between 5 and 10 messages a day ranging from I lub you too mut, good morning darling, good night sleep well darling. She was a nice enough girl but I do have the one up country. But if she sees all the messages she may not be the steady any more. What is the best way to finish a cyber romance?


Dear Blackie,

That is easy. You just block them in your phone. Mind you, everyone up country is connected these days. You’ve probably lost the steady already. I suggest you block both of them and start again with someone else.