Am I about to die? Complete with “bits”


Dear Hillary,

Will you still be here in 2019? I enjoy your bits each week and the advice is sometimes right on. A few weeks back somebody said you should get a raise from your editor and I reckon so. You are doing a public service so you should get the top dollar. All the ones in the US like Oprah get big money, so you should too. Keep up the good work and all the best with the boss.


Dear Hughie,

Aren’t you just the nicest man! Comparing poor little Hillary with the mighty Oprah! However there are some differences between us, you know. She’s in America, for one! My Petal, if Hillary could get even 10 percent of Oprah’s salary, I’d be on the next plane to Milan for some new threads, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about creatures like letter writers lusting after my flower prints. Every time I hang them out on the line I have to be just so careful when the knicker man is around. Nicks ‘em. Gone, and my undies. He’s a terrible man. You worry me though, when you say you “enjoy my bits” each week. What “bits” are we talking about here? Some of my bits are never discussed here in the column. This is a family newspaper Hughie, and anyway, you’d never get to see them either. As far as a raise is concerned, I’ll show your letter to the editor, but he’ll probably just think I made it up, just as some people think I dream up people. That’s no dream, it’s a nightmare, and some of the damned things are so long and are handwritten! Life’s hard some days!