Bilingual wife wanted


Dear Hillery,

Do you think the Pattaya woman have got good enuff English to be able to be a good wife for a Brittish penshoner (sic).  I want to come over at Chrissmas (sic) and get reddy (sic) for to live there in 2014.  I just want a nice quite (sic) woman.  Your (sic) the best one I think to talk to.  Is this OK?


Dear Cyril,

You are such a lovely chap, I am going to do my best to help you, my Petal, even though you got my name wrong.  If you want to find a nice lady in Pattaya to look after you and talk to you in English, you will first off have to learn English yourself.  As well as your spelling, you have to learn the difference between “your” and “you’re”, and the plural of “woman” is “women”, and I think you meant “quiet” and not “quite”.  After that, then think about coming to live here, but before you book that one-way ticket, go and take a few Thai language lessons.  The women here are Thai and speak Thai.  They will have a working knowledge of English, but that is all, but if what you need is “Hello sexy man” and “Sit down please” and “One moah?” then come over now.  And bring a lot of money, there’s a good chap.  I’ll help you look for your bilingual angel (that means she can speak two languages, Petal).