Is it bigamy if we can’t find the previous husband?

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Dear Hillary,

She’s gorgeous, she looks after me 100 percent and she’s married to some chap in the US. She tells me that they got married 10 years ago and he went back to the US two years later and there’s no contact now for five years. He doesn’t send her money or anything and they had no children together. We’ve been together now a bit over a year and she is making noises like she wants to get married and build a little house up-country. What’s involved in this?

Jack

Dear Jack,

What’s involved? Paperwork, legal advice, paperwork and money. And that’s not counting the cost of the little house up-country, which is a lot more than you think. For example, how do you find the American husband to serve divorce papers on? Really, my Petal, this is all very one-sided. She has a lot to gain, and you get a lot to spend your money on. You lose! Time to Hit the road Jack and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. (Please sing along as you collect your things and go.)