A professional peeping Tom


Dear Hillary,

Further to my correspondence of some time ago regarding the lady in the next house who flaunts her body nightly – well, you have inadvertently disclosed something about yourself in making a “Freudian slip”.  By claiming Freud was a friend of yours you most certainly must be a very ancient crone, as the man cashed in his mortal coil in 1939, that is 74 years ago to save you consulting your abacus.  Or was this claim of friendship untrue, and you were merely seeking fame by association?  Nothing is documented in his memoirs that he knew of your existence, but you are certainly of great age to even allege you were of his acquaintance!  It is a great pity wisdom did not accompany your ageing process.  Now, what would Freud have made of you?  The mind boggles.  As Freud once profoundly said in his book titled “Agony Aunts Are Always Abysmal” (it was awarded 5A ratings in the best sellers list), “There’s many a slip between hand and hip.”

And you have leapt to some unwarranted conclusions.  By inferring some time ago as to whether I still have my rocking horse is akin to asking a total stranger “When did you stop beating your wife?”  Of course I still have that memory of a very happy childhood, and his name is “Giddyup”.

But back to my original subject – the flaunting lady.  Circumstance has forced her to cease her shameless behavior of showering in full view of neighbors.  The other night, while performing her normal erotic ablutions, she unfortunately tripped over her Zimmer frame and sustained such injuries that she was whisked off to hospital on a stretcher.  I haven’t seen her since, so perhaps the medics are having difficulty in putting her back together.  However, knowing your penchant for such things, I do have photographs which I’ve saved especially for you to view.

Puritanical Pattaya Parishioner

Dear PPP,

You are indeed a very sick puppy.  Whatever gave you the idea that I would be in the slightest interested in photographs of someone being whisked off on a stretcher?  Or were you offering photographs of your rocking horse?  Once more you have made conclusions not based on sound facts.  There’s more than one Freud in this world, my peeping Petal.  At last count there were 84 in the Austrian phone books.  My friend Ziggy Freud (amateur psychologist) should not be confused with Sigmund Freud (professional psychologist and erstwhile author).  I am glad your next door neighbor has now left you in peace, so you don’t have to crane your neck attempting to look into her boudoir, and this closes the correspondence on this subject.