Heart to Heart: March 12, 2021


Guide dogs for the blind
Dear Hillary,
You have often mentioned books that newcomers to Thailand should read and you should add “Falangs in Thailand” to that list. This cartoon book by Mike Baird is based on truth and everyone who laughs at the drawings should also remember that (it is based on truth). The cartoonist must have spent a lot of time watching what goes on in Pattaya, but what he shows is the same for Bangkok, Phuket and Chiang Mai. “Private Dancer” by Stephen Leather is another that anyone who spends time in the bars should read. Stay there long enough and it will happen to you, so be warned. I hope this helps, Hillary. I enjoy your column.

Dear Kevin,
Thank you for the information about suitable books, and I have looked at both and do agree with your ideas. Unfortunately, I think many young chaps who come here (and some not so youngs as well) don’t seem to be able to read. Perhaps the cartoon books will be better for them, as long as they realise that Mike Baird is being very satirical. We can only hope, Petal. We can only hope.

Hillary and Dan Brown
Dear Hillary,
When are you going to collect all your writings into a book? I reckon it would have to be a great hit. I have mates overseas who read you every week, just for the laugh at the poor saps who write in. I’ll buy the first copy.
Regular Reader

Dear Reg the Reader,
It is always nice to know that the readers enjoy the column, especially people like Big D from the USA who sends champagne and chocolates with his letters. (Thanks again Big D!) We have discussed putting some of the best letters together, but it is a lot of work, Reg my Petal. Maybe it will be something for me to do when I retire. I’ll let you know and autograph that first copy just for you. Of course the first copy will be more expensive than the others, so in true fashion for these parts, there will be around 1,000 first copies, just like the third 50 percent share of many bars that is sold so often! By the way, I would rather your friends laugh at my answers, rather than at the readers!

Keeping your hand in your pockets
Dear Hillary,
I read somewhere that all Thai girls want is to get their hands in your pockets, and once they have cleaned you out, that’s it. No money, No Honey as the T shirt says. Is this really true? I have met a few nice girls every time I’ve come over, and although I pay for everything when we’re out together, I think that’s natural. I pay for everything back home when I take out a woman, so what’s the difference?
Confused Charlie

Dear Confused Charlie,
The difference is you get more fun out of the relationship here, my Petal, or that’s what I get told by my gentlemen friends. It is nice to see there are still gentlemen in this world, and if you are paying, I’ll have a bottle of Veuve Clicquot when we go to dinner. Of course you can have what you want as well, I’m not stingy. Please let me know a week or so in advance, as I will have to fit you in to my crowded appointment book, though with promises of Veuve Clicquot you do go to the top of the waiting list.

Another Quiet American
Dear Hillary,
You may think this is silly, but I’m from Australia and I am not used to going into a bar to be propositioned. I don’t want to have someone ask me where I come from. It is my business only if I am married. I don’t want people to know how much money I make. How many children I have is my affair. Why doesn’t someone tell these girls in the bars that not everyone wants to tell them personal details? All I want is a quiet beer!

Dear Chuck,
What are you worried about? Is there some dark secret you are hiding from us all? A skeleton in the closet? Are you on the run from the DEA? Has the CIA got a file on you? Has your ex-wife been employing Private Investigators to find you to slap the alimony claim on you? Or worse, has the IRS found out about your fraudulent claims for 2020/21? My next question is why are you drinking in beer bars? These girls aren’t from the CIA or the IRS, they are just doing their job as drinking companions as well as they can and you’re lucky they can converse as much as they can. If you don’t want the girls to talk to you then don’t drink in beer bars. It is like going to a rock concert and complaining they’re not playing Mozart. It’s the old horses for courses thing, Petal. If you just want a quiet beer, you can buy a bottle of beer from the supermarket and sit alone in your room or restrict your drinking to the more up-market watering holes!