Dear Hillary,
They waffle on about the ‘social media’ like Facebook and Twitter, but I reckon it’s more of an ‘anti-social’ media. Go anywhere and all these girls are banging away on the iPhones and iPads. Like their farang sisters they are no longer interested in talking to us fellers, or even some fun flirting. Thai women are becoming boring, as all they think about is getting another 600 friends registered to pass on stupid items like “I’m in Royal Garden shopping.” All I can say is I’m glad I’m not paying for it. What’s your take on all this tweeting and such, Hillary?
Jimbo

Dear Jimbo,
You’re not that chap who is the world’s oldest rugby player are you, Petal? If so let me know and I’ll get your autograph before you get the life squeezed out of you in the scrums. (Aren’t I clever knowing they have these scrum things where they jump on each other!) I’m sure you don’t take one of those I-things on to the pitch with you, I don’t think it was last too long. Some of those rugby chaps are pretty brutal.

In answer to your question, we managed to live without becoming iTwits, and we can live without them still. I am perfectly happy with my Nokia that allows me to talk to people and get phone calls in reply. (Hint, hint Mr. Nokia, that’s a free advert, so how about a newer one for Hillary, eh?) It’ll make a change after all the French champagne I don’t get.

Dear Hillary,
I’ve been promising myself to have a Thai massage next time I’m over (September), but I don’t know how to tell if what I’m being offered is a genuine massage or otherwise. I’m a bit past the rumpy-pumpy stuff these days and would just like to try one of the famous Thai (no hanky-panky) massages. How do I find out first?
Reg

Dear Reg,
Here’s how. A massage parlor that has beautiful girls soliciting for business on the pavement is probably a place you should stay away from. I presume you are staying in a hotel when you come over, most of the better hotels will give you a straight massage, especially if you say that what you want is just a Thai massage. Stay away from soapy massages and oil massages. Find a nice older masseuse and she’s probably past the rumpy-pumpy stage too. Have a nice relaxing time as she straightens out the knotted muscles (but not THAT one)!

Dear Hillary,
I have been here for almost a year and have had a live-in relationship with a young lady (Noo) for most of that time. I will be leaving for a three month contract in Indonesia shortly and am wondering whether I should keep the lease going on the condo and keep Noo in it, or just tell her that I will let the lease run out and she will have to go back to live with her mother till I come back. What do you think?
Tommy.

Dear Tommy,
What sort of Tommy and Noo show are you running? If she means a lot to you then keep the lease going, send her some money and look forward to a very loving reception when you get back. It’s only for three months after all. But if she really means nothing and all you think about is yourself, which is what I suspect, then do the right thing and cut her loose now. Do the best thing for everyone under the circumstances, is the correct way. You’ll probably get dengue in Indonesia and die anyway.

Dear Hillary,
I never thought I would ever end up writing to an agony column for advice. My problem comes from the fact that I cannot speak Thai. I have been here for almost one year and have had a live-in girlfriend for the past seven months. The problem I have is with the telephone. She just doesn’t hear it! Honestly, Hillary, I can be in the shower and it will ring and ring and ring and Noi never picks it up, and when I say why not, she just shrugs her shoulders and walks off. Is this normal behavior for Thai girls? She hears people speaking OK so it’s not as if she’s really deaf. Tell me Hillary, should I take her for treatment or what?
Alex

Dear Alexander (Bell?),
See what you started! Now then about Noi’s little problem and your big problem (with Noi’s little problem). Thai people very often do not hear telephones. They are not at all deaf, it is just that they don’t want to hear it, so they don’t. This is particularly so if their English is not too good, as they do not want to show that they cannot ‘poot Angkrit geng’. All you can do is to tell her that you want her to answer the telephone if you cannot get there first, and then just tell the caller to ‘sakru kha’ and then come and get you. Best of luck!