Dear
Hillary,
I see a lot of girls in my local shopping center, and many are quite nice. I see
them resting on the seats. I know you say we older farangs should stay away from
the bars, but will I find Miss Right in the shopping center? Or do I have to lie
about my age (I’m a pensioner) and go back to university? What should I do? I’m
getting tired of being lonely.
Lonely Larry
Dear Lonely Larry,
What shower did you come down in, my lonely Petal? Must have been the last one.
Will you find Miss Right waiting on the bench for you at the supermarket? No
Larry, you will only find Miss Take there. Mistake if you talk to her and Miss
Take all your money by the time you reach the checkout counter. These are
freelance girls who can disappear very easily and you will never find where she
went or came from (other than Aisle B next to the hot dog counter). They are
more dangerous than the girls from the bars. At least Hello Sexy Man bar will
still be there tomorrow, and the mamasan knows the ID of her girls. As far as
lying about your age, that’s not such a bad idea. I heard of one 70 year old
chap, when seen walking down the street with a cute 17 year old, told his
friends it was easy. “I lied about my age. I told her I was 95!” If you are
getting really desperate, talk to the girls in the optical stores. They are all
well dressed and university graduates. You must be needing glasses at your age,
so you’ve got a good excuse for being there. They also do eye checks for free,
and that’s a free offer without a hoop of balloons outside either. Don’t
despair, Larry. Just be nice to everyone you meet. Very soon someone will snap
you up for who you are, and not just to get their hands on your pension.
Dear Hillary,
Listen to the pot calling the kettle black! In friday (sic) 12th’s
paper, you slate poor old Andy the budding brain surgeon for not being able to
spell, then on the same page you answer Harry the Holidaymaker and spell buses
incorrectly - twice. Buses has only two s’s, not three (busses)...
Harleyrider
Dear Harleyrider,
Where did you dig that up from, Petal? That must be at least four years ago.
Amazing just what is still floating around the ionosphere. However, just be a
little careful, Harleyrider old chum, and check your facts before rushing into
print with your six-shooters blazing. Any half way decent dictionary will
indicate that the plural of bus is “buses” or “busses”. Either one is quite
satisfactory. The same half way decent dictionary will also indicate that the
days of the week do have capital letters to start the day, so the one you were
striving for was actually “Friday” (see, capital F). However, if you ride a
Harley, I will probably forgive you. Or should that bike be called a “harley”?
Dear Hillary,
I am having a problem with some of the direct questions you get asked over here.
Do all Thai people ask you the most personal questions, which we would never do?
Things like “How much salary you get? You married yet? Why not? You got
girlfriend? You want boyfriend? You want me to go with you?” Apart from the fact
that this is considered a very rude way of starting a relationship in the UK, I
also find it very embarrassing when I am over here. How do I get these people to
stop doing this? You seem to have the answers for most things over here, so I
hope you have some answers for me too.
Rather Shy
Dear Rather Shy,
You have to look at where are these women who ask you such direct questions. My
bet is in a bar somewhere. They are not in the habit of issuing a gilt edged
invitation to dinner, hand inscribed in Olde English. Be real and be thankful
that ‘these people’ as you call them are interested enough in you to even ask
questions. There’s only one thing worse than being a wall-flower at parties, and
that’s not being asked at all. In actual fact, my turtledove, those inquiries
are very cleverly designed “standard” bar girl questions to see if you are
worthwhile bothering with at all. If you have no money all interest will be lost
immediately, if not sooner. Likewise if you are married they will want to know
if “You marry Thai?” or whether your partner is waiting faithfully for you back
home in the UK, while you contemplate the unfaithful ideas. Lighten up and when
you are asked next time just say, “No money. Wife take all money to boy bar,”
and then laugh a lot. They’ll get the message and you will be left happily
lonely, then you can write me letters asking why does nobody talk to you!
