Dear Hillary,
I’ve got no real problems with living here. OK, there are some things that would try the patience of a saint (and I’m not one), but my problem is the dogs in our soi. One house has four dogs which roam the soi, while another house has three dogs that are locked up, but spend their time barking at the four roaming dogs. This happens day and night, and is starting to get me down. I have spoken to the owner of the locked up dogs, but he says it’s not his problem. He says the problem is the owner of the four dogs that run up and down the soi. What do I do next, Hillary? In the UK we would call for the dog catcher, but here it would be a full time job for about 3,000 dog catchers.
Rover

Dear Rover,
You have my sympathies, Petal. The only dog to have is a Basenji, the breed that has no bark. Quite honestly, your neighbors are very selfish. Dogs should not be left to roam the streets of your village. You can contact City Hall with your problem. That may do something, and at least the neighbors won’t speak to you again, even if the dogs keep barking.

Dear Hillary,
I have a regular girlfriend in Pattaya who looks after me every time I go over your way, about every three months for a couple of weeks at least. She says she waits just for me, but I wonder about that as she does work in a bar. I send her some money and give her more when I’m over there. How can I make sure she doesn’t see somebody else behind my back?
Jack

Dear Jack,
What do you think gives you the right to start spying on some bar girl you have decided is your girlfriend? Because she is all yours because you “send her some money and give her more when I’m over there.” Don’t you understand that she has a job of being a bar girl, and that is to entertain the customers, just as she does for you. You may think of her as being in a “wife” situation, but we call it a “mia chow” (rented wife) agreement. You don’t own, or have any rights over this girl, so you are not entitled to think of her as your chattel. You are not married, no matter how many strands of white cotton you have around your wrist. You could, of course, employ a private detective to confirm your fears, spending much money on this, and for what? You are not ready to “settle down” and I doubt if she is either. Treat the relationship as a bit of friendly holiday fun, and leave it at that, Jack my Petal.

Dear Hillary,
My soi gets flooded all the time. Nobody seems to care. I am OK as I live on an upper floor, but I have to wade through the muck and filth to get to the car every time. I am afraid of standing on something dangerous and getting a big infection from it. What should I do? Nobody seems to understand how much this puts me off.
Gerry

Dear Gerry,
I wish every problem that comes to my desk was as easy to fix as yours, Petal. Go to the nearest shop and buy a pair of those hideous Crocs footwear (you can’t call them “shoes”). Impervious to water, so you wear those going over to the car, when it floods. Carry your good shoes, though. Now how deep does it get? Thailand has had the worst floods in decades, cars totally submerged, houses looted, shops stripped of everything, families left with nothing, and you write in with this pathetic “What should I do?” If you can’t live through the wet season, shift to higher ground. It’s all a bit too obvious Gerry. I think you are a whinger.

Dear Hillary,
An expat friend is going out with a Thai girl that he has only known for a couple of months. He has gone back to the UK for a month, and I bumped into her in town the other day, and noticed that her breath smelled of alcohol at 11 o’clock in the morning. She used to drink before, but I think she is drinking much more now to be able to smell it the next day. She doesn’t seem to have a job either. What do you think we should do? Should we tell him?
Concerned

Dear Concerned,
Unsolicited advice is never appreciated, my Petal. No matter how well intentioned that advice really is. You may be correct that this girl is hitting the bottle while your friend is away, but can you be sure? It might have been a one time only birthday celebration, or it might not have been alcohol at all that you were smelling. Unless you have very firm evidence to back up your claim, I would back off. If your friend asks you directly, then respond with your fears, but otherwise keep out of it. Your friend is big enough to find his own way through life.