Dear Hillary,
About once a month there is a fair in the vacant ground opposite my village. They have great big speaker boxes at the entrance booming across the road, but by midnight when you would think it would be winding down, it is the opposite, they turn the volume up so high it rattles my windows. I tried going across and asking them to turn it down, but “no understand”. I have asked my neighbors and they just laugh and say “it good fun”, so I’m not going to get anything there. Who do I see to complain about this noise? City Hall?
Jeremy
Dear Jeremy,
I’m sorry to disappoint you, Petal, but you can go to the highest courts in the land, and you won’t change anything. Fairs like this are very popular with the Thai people (you know, the people who were born and live in Thailand), so whilst you may get some sympathetic souls who agree with you, they are in the minority. I suggest you go and take a room in one of our nice hotels next time and have your own party. Throw on a couple of bottles of the best French bubbles and I’ll be there! (And don’t forget the chocolates!)

Dear Hillary,
I come over once a year for my annual holidays and do what every red blooded male does and visit the ladies. I mentioned to one little honey last year that I was coming back again this time, and on my first night I get an SMS from her to tell me where she is working. Do you think this is a genuine thing, and she has been waiting for me to come back, or what?
Jerry

Dear Jerry,
Of course she is genuine. Why would you ask? She has been genuinely waiting, having noted your telephone number and dates in her latest iPhone 5, along with all the others who come over at different times. You were just lucky your dates fitted nicely into the January slot! Jerry, my Petal, this girl is really genuine - a genuine 100 percent bar girl who knows how to run her business and knows how to market it to unsuspecting annual holiday makers such as yourself. Get a grip, Jerry. Enjoy the holiday, but don’t start thinking that the next girl who remembers you has kept your smiling face in her heart. It might be in her iPhone, so that she can recognize you from all the other Tom’s, Dick’s and Harry’s from last year. And don’t buy her a motorcycle or pay the vet’s bills for the ailing buffalo, there’s a good chap, or you’ll be getting more SMS messages to your home, something you probably don’t want.

Dear Hillary,
I came to Thailand to retire. I’d been here a few times while I was working, dreaming all the time of when I could come here and settle down. I’ve been a widower for many years and it was always nice to have the company of these young girls on the holidays too. The big decision came last year when I got my nest egg and over I came. It hasn’t worked out the way I thought, Hillary. The first thing is I’m bored. There’s not much to do here if you are a UK pensioner and don’t play golf. There’s nobody to talk to if you’re not prepared to sit outside the 7-Eleven and drink beer at 10 in the morning, and the lovely girls know so little English that they are not the good company they used to be. I know you can’t do anything about this situation for me, I just want to warn other older chaps to think very deeply before making the move. I’ll be going back as soon as I sell the condominium, but that doesn’t look like being soon either. It is always the time for someone to buy one, but never the time to sell one, I have found.
Alfred

Dear Alfred,
I am sorry, Petal to hear that your dream has not turned out so well for you, but you have to think a little on what you would be doing back home in the UK as a retired pensioner. Sitting on a park bench, huddled up in a warm coat, and waiting till the pub opens. Female company? There isn’t anything other than a ‘Grab a Granny’ night at the local town hall. It’s not so bad here, when you think about it. And don’t forget the weather here and the weather over there. You are expecting too much too soon, Petal. There are plenty of clubs you can join here, like the Pattaya Sports Club (very strong in charity work) or the Pattaya City Expats Club for another one, and they have all sorts of special interest groups like bridge games, photography, inexpensive dining, charity work with needy children and fishing, and more. Once you are involved in some community projects you will also find you can meet nice Thai ladies who do speak your language as well. And you never know, you might even find you like golf!