Dear Hillary,

I have been visiting Pattaya regulary (sic) for the past 12 years and love the place. Regretably (sic) the many financial crisises (sic) have deleted my funds and I can not afford to live in the palatial rooms I was accustomed to in your fair city. I was wondering if you have space in your penthouse for a respectable Aussie gentleman? I can not pay much rent but am willing to provide any services you may require.
Yours hopefully

Dear Hopefully,
Don’t hold your breath, my Petal. Don’t they teach English in Australia? Your spellings seem to come from Ethiopia. And “deleted your funds” or was that supposed to be “depleted your funds”? Goodness me, Hillary is a lady of letters, and if we were sharing my penthouse I could see me all day correcting your English. Now, why are your funds so low, after 12 years? Have some of our ladies of the night helped you spend your fortune? So you think you might come and spend mine - is that it? I am also a little worried as you describe yourself as a “respectable Aussie gentleman.” My friends who know these things tell me that the person you describe does not exist, but is a figment of an Aussie male’s dream. You sound far too much of a risk for me, Platypus Petal. Sorry, I must decline your kind offer of “services”, whatever they might (have) been.

Dear Hillary,
No problems at this end, just an observation. The cost of living in Thailand has been going up alarmingly. Compared to when I was in Thailand 12 months ago, it seems as if everything has gone up at least 50 percent, and some items even more. Little roadside stalls that used to sell a decent plate of food for 20-25 baht are now charging 35-40 baht for the same dish. Even the items in the local fresh market are becoming expensive. How do you see this going when the AEC comes into being in 2015?
Kevin

Dear Kevin,
I do agree with you, Kevin, but there’s nothing you and I can do about it. Every country seems to be going in the same direction. Rents are up, cost of houses is up, gasoline and diesel is up, bus fares are up. As far as the AEC (ASEAN Economic Community) is concerned, will it really happen. I don’t know, my Petal, I really don’t know, but I am the wrong one to ask. Speak to someone in the Chambers of Commerce. In the meantime keep reading the Dining Out column and get information on cheap eats!

Dear Hillary,
With all these guys writing in to say they’ve been cheated, why don’t you open an introductions business. You’ve got ready made customers, and you would know where the good honest girls are. You can’t go wrong in that business. You would be able to stop writing your Agony Aunt column and live in one of the 5 Star hotel penthouses, instead of over the printing machines at the Pattaya Mail.
Joe

Dear Joe,
I’m sorry, but I can’t imagine anything worse. Broken hearted farangs looking for the love of their lives, having just found out that the last love of their lives didn’t love them at all, but the money was good while it lasted. The bar girls are already in a ‘business’, so don’t need me to help them. And how do you suggest I weed out the “bad” girls from the “good” girls? There is no test, other than time, to weed out the bad from the good. Sorry Joe, if you were hoping I could find you the perfect match. It doesn’t happen that way.

Dear Hillary,
Don’t you get tired of all these men who write in complaining that they have been ripped off, jilted, robbed and bankrupted by women half their size and half their age. Is this some inbuilt male self-destructive mechanism, or are they all just suckers for a pretty face? Or is it just all the beer that they drink? I am sure you must know what all these poor chaps should do, and preferably before they all go broke.
Amazing Thailand

Dear Amazing Thailand,
I suppose you are Ms Amazing Thailand, going by the tone of your letter and reading a little between the lines. There must be some reason for your letter, more than just curiosity. Now, have you lost someone to the brown maidens, I wonder? No, males generally do not show self-destruction as one of their less redeeming features, well, not to my knowledge at least. However, you are correct that some (not all, my Petal) of them fall prey to the flattery found in the beer bars, and when viewing the world through beer glasses, you can get a somewhat distorted idea of what is real and what is clever salesmanship. So I’m sorry I cannot fully answer your queries, but perhaps you can answer just why do these men succumb so readily? Is there something missing in their previous relationships? A little soul-searching might be needed here?