Heart to Heart: They’re not all bad


They’re not all bad

Dear Hillary,
You get so many letters written by guys complaining about their Thai wives/girlfriends, that I wonder why these men come here in the first place. Why do they think that things are different here compared to their own home countries. A relationship has to have some foundation, not just one night after several bottles of beer. No wonder these people have problems, the relationship is built on a financial foundation, and if there’s a hiccup one day, it all turns to dross and complaints about being ripped off. They probably deserve all they get, but surely they would start to learn something?
Will the Watcher

Dear Will the Watcher,

You are perfectly correct, Petal. Any relationship which has a chance of surviving must be built on a strong foundation, and it is very rare that “You pay bar for me,” is the way to start a firm relationship. A relationship, certainly, but not one built on mutual respect. Mutual distrust is more like it.

You say, “Surely they would start to learn something,” but you are missing a point here – they do learn and move on, but along comes a new batch of bachelors ready for the plucking, and the ladies of the beer bars are ready and waiting. Then this new lot write to me, complaining about being used, ripped off, etc. Same old, same old, you know what I mean.

How much do you pay a ‘guide’?

Dear Hillary,
I am after some advice. I am here for two weeks next month and since I have been here before, I know the bar ropes (I think). I will be going to Koh Samet for at least a week and will take a young lady with me as a guide. What I need to know is how much should I pay for the service? I don’t want to look mean and stingy, but I want to use my holiday money wisely. What is your suggestion?

Dear Leroy,

I think you are trying to pull my leg. You honestly think you are going to contract a young girl from the bar and you call her “a guide”, and you don’t know how much that will cost? If you are as knowing as you say you are, then you would know that ‘guides’ are released from their place of employment by paying a sum to the management. That management will tell you exactly how much the rental for guides is this week. There will also be a matter of private negotiation between you and your guide on top. Have a great time in Koh Samet, and don’t get lost.

Lathered and then leathered?

Dear Hillary,
I am a 71-year-old British expat who has recently been visiting Thailand. I enjoy the life here so much that I am currently having a house built in Pattaya. I don’t have to worry about pensions losing their value, as I have a private pension, which easily covers my simple needs. I have taken up with a 22-year-old bargirl. I now enjoy wonderful soapy massages, but I think she is into leather and bondage because when she saw my wallet she wanted to get tied to it. I am wondering what do you think are the chances of a long term relationship?

Dear Mark,

Did you know that you are a little self-centered, my Petal? Every sentence starts with “I” and everything else is secondary. You do sound like quite a catch for you little friend. 71 years old, plenty of money and only too ready to flash it around. How long will this sudsy relationship last? Depends on how long you keep your wallet filled, Mark. You could also try keeping your money in a sock, rather than a leather wallet if you think leather’s the attraction.

Thailand on B. 250 a day

Dear Hillary,
Can you help me with accommodation at Xmas? I want to keep enough money so that I can go trekking and I ride an elephant. I only want to spend about five quid a day for a place, is this possible? I know it’s probably a funny question, but I’m serious.
Trekker Thomas

Dear Trekker Thomas,

Don’t worry, my little impecunious one, I have had sillier questions than yours. Not often, but I have had some. When I first read your letter, I thought you were asking to come and stay with me, and I was about to suggest that if you brought enough bottles of bubbly, I might just be able to help you. Then I read the “five quid” line. By “five quid” I presume you are from the UK and this is about 250 baht in Thai money, so you would not have much left over for champers, I fear. Having said that, I must also point out that Hillary is not a travel agency, or an elephant mahout. Yes, you will get accommodation for that amount. Reasonable, basic, clean, but no air-conditioning, which you will probably need, coming from the UK, not known for its blistering temperatures in December.