Heart to Heart: Hounded by the BiB


Hounded by the BiB
Dear Hillary,
I’m starting to feel like a criminal. Every time I drive anywhere, day or night, I am stopped in a police road check. Motor bikes mainly, but also cars, especially driven by farangs I feel. These road checks bob up everywhere these days, especially at the railway crossroads. Every time it goes “You drink alcohol?” Then it’s a car meter and if it detects any alcohol on the breath it’s out of the car and blow into a proper breathalyzer, this is while the policeman says, “You over, you go monkey house.” I’ve been lucky and I haven’t been over, but I have asked to see the reading, which they reluctantly have done. Other farangs have not been as lucky and have had to pay big fines on the spot. Thailand is becoming a Police State which is not good for the image of the country, don’t you agree? Do you get stopped in these checks?

Dear Chas,
No I don’t get stopped, but then I’m on a bicycle and I don’t cycle when I’m drinking, and bottles of French champagne are fairly few and far between these days. One thing I think you are missing is the fact that the policeman has to try and get the message through to you in a foreign language, so there can be miscommunication. I believe there is a warning program you can use to tell you where the check point is, so ask around your local bar. And don’t drive after a drinking session. Taxis are plentiful and cheap, my Petal. Use them. Either that or employ a driver and never worry again.

Look out for Baz
Dear Hillary,
You might think of me as a bit of a Peeping Tom, but I get great fun out of Upskirting and Down-blousing. I took some of my girlfriend and she was OK with it until she found I had done the same with another girl. It’s all harmless fun. How do I convince my girlfriend of this? She is threatening to go home to her village.

Dear Baz,
I don’t think you can stop her leaving you, but thanks for the warning – I’ll wear long skirts and shirts buttoned up to the neck from now on. You are a nasty little man!

Wind in the willows
Dear Hillary,
This may sound a bit funny, but I have a new bed partner, and so I am on my best behavior. About 2 in the morning I get this very painful need to pass wind. If it was just a quiet one, I could muffle it in the doona, but it’s not, it’s a rip-roaring full blown fart which would wake the dead. I’ve tried lemon tea before bed, I’ve tried milk, tried honey and vinegar. No effect. What do I do now?

Dear Gareth,
Have you tried sleeping in the spare room? Standing outside to let it rip? Suggest she sleeps with ear plugs in? There’s a limit to what an Agony Aunt can do Petal!

A time traveler
Dear Hillary,
What’s the usual thing over here when going out with a girl for the first time? Are you expected to bring flowers or anything? Met a really nice girl so I want to appear as a gentleman, not like the yobbos I see round the place.

Dear Art,
|(Not Garfunkel is it?), have you just stepped out of a time capsule or something? Nobody brings flowers on a first date. That went out of style 50 years ago. Just be on time, clean and polite. All the best young man. I hope she is as old-fashioned as you are.

Is this the real thing?
Dear Hillary,
I know what you are going to say, but hear me out. I have met the girl of my dreams, not anyone else’s dreams, but she is just so right for me. I have never had a girl who just does so much for me, from putting on my socks in the morning, to rubbing my back at bed time. She asks beforehand about spending money on everything from groceries to clothes and finds the most incredible bargains that I could never get. She does have one 3 year old son that her mother looks after in Isaan, her father is dead, so her mother likes having the little boy around. We have been living together for three months and there’s never been a cross word. She gave up bar work when she moved in with me, and she had only just started work there when we met. I am thinking of marrying her to give her a stabilizing influence. I am 42 years older than she is, but that doesn’t seem to be a problem for her. Do you think formalizing marriage is a good idea? My friends all say No, but they don’t know her. What is your advice Hillary?

Dear Mark,
I don’t know you or her, so I can only speak from what I know of the boy and girl scene in Pattaya. The majority of bar girl marriages to European husbands don’t last, unless you are prepared to live the way she does, eating on the floor etc. Three months is way too short. Contact me in another 12 months.