Heart to Heart: Daddy’s friend


Daddy’s friend
Dear Hillary,
You have helped me out before, but this time it is different. Let me assure you that mine is real. I am a forty year old divorced (14 years ago) British subject and I have a twenty year old daughter who lives in England with my ex wife. After my experience in the UK I have not had any real relationships with anyone over here, just the odd fling with a couple of girls, and certainly nothing serious. Now I find I am becoming increasingly attracted to a young Thai in our office. We go out some evenings for dinner after work and I enjoy his company very much. This next month my daughter is coming over for a holiday (I have not seen her for four years) and can you see the problem? I want to introduce her to my Thai friend, but do not know how she will react to her father having a male friend, and what do I call him?

Dear James,
For goodness sake, James, you are 40 years of age, not 14. Your daughter at 20 years old in the UK is probably dating two Pakistanis, a West Indian, the Huddersfield United football team and her hairdresser is living in sin with a gigolo from Golders Green. Wake up! This is the 21st century, not the 18th. Stop worrying and believe that life begins at 40. Or alternatively remember that today is the beginning of the end of your life, and start enjoying it before there isn’t any left!

Look out for crocodiles
Dear Hillary,
With all the publicity recently about crocodile attacks and you have a farm for them in Pattaya, should I take my 64 year old mother to the animal park attractions when she comes on holiday later in the year? My husband says I am worrying unnecessarily. What do you think?
Worried daughter

Dear Worried daughter,
I am so pleased to meet someone who thinks so highly of their mother, but I am with your husband, I’m afraid. The likelihood of crocodile attack is very much less than her chances of being hit by a Chinese satellite falling out of the sky or being run down by a London bus. Relax. No guarantees about baht busses however.

Dating the perfect 10
Dear Hillary,
I am beginning to think the lyrics in the old song “if You Wanna Be Happy for the Rest of Your Life, Never Make a Pretty Woman Your Wife” are right on the money. On one hand, I am the luckiest guy in the world to have such a caring, intelligent, and incredibly gorgeous girlfriend. I mean she is a complete knock-out – a perfect 10. But, on the other hand, that is causing me many headaches living here in Pattaya. As you know, most men come here with one thing on their mind. And, no matter where we go in this town, there are always a slew of pot-bellied, follically-challenged middle-aged swine completely and unabashedly leering and ogling at my girlfriend. Their lecherous eyes stare at her as if she were a piece of meat on sale at the South Pattaya Market, and some go so far as to say lewd comments or use their worst pick-up lines on her. The worst part is their complete lack of respect and tact. They act as if I am not even there. I would never think of staring at a woman the way they do to her, especially if I see she has a boyfriend or husband. I think they feel that since there are lots of bar-girls around town they can treat any woman like that here. I have to do everything I can to restrain myself from punching their lights out. I wish I could go to their country and stare at their poor wives and girlfriends that they have left back home for their trip of adulterous debauchery here in Pattaya with the same sort of lust in my eyes as they have when gaping at my girlfriend. I wonder what their reaction would be? Probably they have as much respect for their wives and girlfriends back home as they have for the women here. What do you suggest? I just do my best to ignore these Neanderthals, or should I start learning Muay Thai and give them a good kick in the Ass? Thanks a lot!

Dear Dave,
You are a troubled little petal, aren’t you? You certainly are hanging onto some pent-up aggression. If it’s not punching their lights out, it’s a right proper kicking in the ass. Hillary wonders why you are so insecure with this relationship? Surely you are better looking than the pot bellied balding lechers, so why worry? And why would you waste time and money to go over there and look at their wives/girlfriends when you have this “10” right here? I wonder if the problem isn’t the ogling, it’s the fact that you are being ignored? Lighten up, puff out your chest and be proud of this gorgeous girl – or you will lose her and end up with a barker. Of course, then you won’t have to worry about the oglers.