When the cat’s away


Dear Hillary,

A delicate problem my dear, but one I am sure you will be capable of advising not only me, as I am sure you have met this situation before. I am one of those expats who spends two months overseas and then two months here. Like most expats in my situation, you eventually end up with one steady girlfriend who you find in your local bar and who looks after and cooks for you when you are here and does whatever she wants when you aren’t here. Unfortunately, I have been having a little daily dalliance when I’m in residence and although I thought neither knew about the other, I know my cover has been blown at least in one direction. The new one is now telling me that the old one has a Thai boyfriend who stays in my condo while I am overseas, and even though I don’t have the ‘moral’ high ground, this annoys me a lot, though I haven’t said anything – yet. One of my drinking buddies says it’s not like that but just that Number 2 is trying to get rid of Number 1, so that she can move in and take over. So, Hillary, what should a man do under these circumstances? Number 2 seems to hold all the cards, but I don’t want to be played like a sucker. Should I get a Private Eye to keep the place under surveillance, or should I just have it out with Number 1? Do you think Number 2 would contact Number 1 if I do nothing?


Dear Bob,

You certainly have caused yourself to have a problem, Petal. I also note that you state that Number 1 is a “steady girlfriend who looks after and cooks when you are here and does whatever she wants when you aren’t here.” “Does whatever she wants,” Petal? Those are your words, yet when given an allegation by someone who has a more than vested interest in the case that perhaps she is doing something she wants, you are “annoyed a lot.” Three words come to mind here – sauce, goose and gander. Or as they say here ‘som nam na’ (you are getting what you deserve). If you hadn’t decided to slip away for your daily dose of dalliance, as you put it, then you wouldn’t be feeling guilty and then trying to shift that blame on to your girl and your paramour (oh, I love using some of those old time words). You have to also remember that there is no love lost between the bar girls when it comes to lining their piggy banks. This is what they do for a living, Bart the Butterfly. So they will do everything in their power to increase their monthly salary. You have placed yourself in the situation, and really only you can get yourself out. You hope that by finding out Number 1’s unfaithfulness you will be morally justified in kicking her out. My suggestion is to rent the condo out for 12 months and say goodbye to both Number 1 and Number 2 and grow up a little before you return.