The perfect bar girl lives in Pattaya


Dear Hillary,

I do love your column and it is the first one I read every week when the Mail comes out. What gets me though (I’ve been here for almost 10 years) is the fact that all these newcomers think they’ve got it all sussed out. They meet the only bar girl in this world that is still a virgin, the only bar girl in the world that hasn’t asked for money (even to buy sum tom) and the only bar girl in the world that doesn’t have children staying with granny and whose husband didn’t run away. Saying nothing about the family buffalo, which is in a picture of bovine health. Help me, Hillary, I meet a couple of these deranged people every week. What should I do?



Dear Mick,

It would be too easy to give them a ticket back home, and also expensive. The best you can do is to give them a copy of Stephen Leather’s book Private Dancer and make them read it aloud, with you standing there. On second thoughts, with you sitting there with several beers will be better, as I am sure these people will have difficulties with words which have more than four letters.