LOVE in capitals

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Dear Hillary,

I am only here for a short holiday, so I hope you can answer me quickly. I have fallen in love with a Thai girl and don’t know what to do.  She works in the bar in my street, that’s where I met her.  She has only just come down from her village “up country” this week.  She makes friends very easily (all the other girls in the bar seem to be her friends) and she speaks very good English.  I would like to take her back to the UK with me when I go next week.  How do I go about this?  Will she come with me (I haven’t asked her yet)?  Do I need to ask her parents’ permission to take her overseas?  Please hurry with the reply as I haven’t got much time left.

Ernie from Exeter

Dear Ernie,

Slow down lad, slow down!  I can see you have fallen in love (make that LOVE) with the poppet in the corner bar, but if she has lots of friends in the bar, it is highly likely she did not come down last week, but months previously.  “Up-country” girls new to Pattaya do not speak good English, that is something they learn on a bar stool.  Yes, you need a visa, just like you needed a visa to come into Thailand, but visas to the UK are much more difficult.  You will not get one in two weeks!  Ernie, go home to Exeter and fall in love with another one on your next trip.