Heart to Heart with Hillary – Friday 10 November -16 November 1995

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Dear Hillary,

I have a very dear friend, who is a very handsome, intelligent young man and he has never had a problem with girls.  After he broke up with his girlfriend here in Pattaya, he has had some, let’s call it “one night stands”, but he never got really involved with a girl again.  Recently he went for vacation to the Philippines and there fell in love with a girl.  Of course, she is very different to all the other girls, at least in his eyes.  She is probably one of those girls one can meet so many of in Pattaya, who have only worked for “a few days” in a bar, never ever did work like that before and so on.  Now I am deeply concerned, since he was deeply hurt by this former girlfriend and you never know what could happen to him this time.  I know, everybody has to have his own experiences, but is there a way for me to help him to get over this “love”?

A friend.

Dear friend,

It is good that you are so concerned about your friends love life.  Yet it is his own love life.  As you said, everybody has to have his own experiences, let him have his.  If he is as intelligent as you believe he is, he will soon recognise whether this girl is good for him or not.  And not every hooker has to be a bad person.  Some of them are very nice and many have become good wives and mothers.  Don’t forget, that this girl is quite far away and he cannot speak to her every day or go and see her.  Let time work it out.  And don’t hurt his feelings by running this girl down, you just might throw him closer to her.

Dear Hillary,

My boyfriend and I have agreed to tell each other about important things in our past, but I can’t quite bring myself to tell him about the abortion I had three years ago.  Is it okay to keep some things secret?

A girl with a secret.

Dear secret,

It makes sense to be open with your partner and to tell each other things that can help create an intimate relationship.  But there are many events in people’s pasts that aren’t relevant to their relationships—and it’s all right to keep those things private.  You can exchange many important stories without telling your boyfriend everything.  You should ask yourself, however, why don’t you want him to know about the abortion?  If it’s just that you want to put it behind you, then do so.  But perhaps you are worried that your boyfriend would react negatively.  If so, then think carefully about whether your values will clash in the future.  Another possibility is that you are afraid he lacks compassion and the ability to support you even if he disagrees with the choice you have made.  If this is the case you should give serious thought to the future of this relationship.  You need someone who can accept  you and your past, should it somehow reveal itself.

Dear Hillary,

When I met my husband, I knew he had cheated on his first wife, who left him after it became too much for her.  But thinking that somehow things would be different with me, I married him last year anyway.  Everything was going fine until we moved to Thailand.  Then three month ago he started calling out another woman’s name in his sleep and also when he climaxed while making love to me.  When I asked him who the woman was, he told me she works in a bar near where he works.  He claimed he wasn’t interested in the woman, yet he continued to call out her name when sleeping and now never seems to want to make love to me anymore.  He still refuses to discuss the situation.  I’ve moved into the spare room.  I don’t know what to do.  Please help!

A cheated wife.

Dear cheated,

Well, your husband sounds like the type of man who will be always interested in the woman he isn’t with.  He did cheat on his first wife and he is cheating on you.  Even if he only does it in his dreams.  The worse mistake a woman can make is to believe that a man who is addicted to alcohol or addicted to sleeping around, will change his lifestyle for her.  This will never happen.  A man has to change because of his own will power.  Try to convince your husband that he cannot go on this way else he will loose you too.  Find out who the girl is then go and visit her in the bar—but do not talk to her about it.  You will see on her reaction towards you if it is only flirtation between your husband and her—or more.  Try to keep your husband busy so he won’t have too much time to go to this bar.  Be friendly with him, move back to your bedroom and don’t mention it to him when he cries out her name in his sleep, even though this will be very hard to do.  You knew from the beginning what kind of husband you were getting, now try to live with it.  If you can’t, pack your bags and watch him pursue you.  But don’t give him the change to catch you.