Heart to Heart – September 06, 2019 – September 19, 2019

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Mick Dundee where are you?!

Dear Hillary,

I am a successful businessman, an Australian who has worked hard, accumulated a high level of wealth that provides me with a very comfortable lifestyle long before I would be eligible for a pension. Despite my financial successes, I have failed miserably in finding true love. One might even call me a failure in that regard.

I’m not a good loser, so I have commenced a world wide trek to track down that elusive female butterfly. One who will be able to fill that void in my life, love me, marry me and produce our children.

Here’s where I am in the quest for my future mate. Australian women are not suitable. I have always believed that any relationship is a 50/50 proposition, but Aussie women don’t understand fractions.

I flew to America. I met an attractive girl there and took her to Disneyland to enjoy the rides, but she took me for a ride instead.

In Canada I met a beautiful librarian, but she spent most of her time reading my bank books.

In Paris I met a very tender person, but she was frankly only interested in legal tender.

I am now here in Pattaya, still searching for my butterfly. I have met a cute local girl named Noi who works at a beer bar. She doesn’t seem interested in taking my money for herself and only insists that I give her two thousand baht every morning for her taxi ride home. It seems that both of her parents are always ill as she needs additional money to send to them and her brother who is always falling off his motorcycle (which I bought him).

Please tell me about the local girls. Could Noi be my elusive butterfly? She wants me to take her away from it all but could she take it all away from me? Could the fact that her parents are always ill have any detrimental genetic effect on any children we may have?

Awaiting your advice, as the lawyers write.

Mick

Dear Mick,

Aren’t you a little dear! Or should I say a little expensive? Is Noi your elusive butterfly? Of course! Be aware, however, perhaps elusive but not exclusive. Don’t worry about Noi’s health – she will only get sick later in life when the daughter you have between you meets a rich Australian who has worked hard and accumulated a high level of wealth and is looking for an elusive butterfly. In the meantime, I suggest she takes a cheaper taxi home, that Rolls-Royce is a little over the top. Give her 40 baht for a motorcycle taxi and see how she goes! Or should I say “disappears”. As they say here, you never lose your girl, you only lose your turn! Have you considered having yourself cloned? Us girls all over the world need more of you! (Other than Australian, American and Canadian.)

(I stumbled across this letter to me from many years ago. I wonder where Mick is now. And does he have any money left? If you’re still out there, then drop me a line, Mick. I have just the girl for you – me!)

 

Organizing a SWAT team

Dear Hillary,

Hello I have been reading your column for at least 20 years, so both of us are “experienced”. Whether I was here in Pattaya or in the U.S., when I was a young buck in the military, I had to learn the hard way. While you are most knowledgeable, it’s one-sided. It’s always from the Thai female psyche point of view. While you always offer a gentle solution to their problems, I feel some just have a hard heads. I know it’s immaterial whether or not they take the advice you offer, it’s up to them. But when it comes to the particularly stupid, I’d like to be of assistance if there is some way I could help in these hard core cases please contact me.

I’m still new at this being retired, and have yet to find a way to occupy my time, sure that will change in the future. Because from what I read in your column it’s always the newbie or nearly newbies who get themselves in emotional/ financial trouble. Us old timers are pretty well set, if we don’t know by now there is no helping us, nor are we seeking help. But not to invade on your turf – if I could be of any assistance please contact me.

Chas

Dear Chas,

You are such a nice man, offering to help an old lady in her time of need, but I have to tell you that it is not an easy job, my Petal. I often end up weeping real tears by the end of the day, reading about all the things that can happen to young chaps with more hormones than they need. There is also a logistics problem. My office is so small there wouldn’t be enough room for two of us, so while I thank you, let’s just keep our relationship on paper, the kind the bank deposits will show, but if I need the US Army and a SWAT team, I’ll let you know.