Heart to Heart – October 18, 2019 – October 31, 2019


Ooh! A French letter

Dear Hillary,

I will be coming to Pattaya at Xmas time and wonder if you knew where I could rent a motorcycle for the time I will be there (2 weeks). Is it insured and is it OK to drive with my French license? I want to go up to Isaan. Thank you.


Bonjour Pierre,

Which of these ways do you want to go back to France after your holiday of a lifetime? Sealed wooden box with gilt handles? Encased in bandages lying on your back? Or as certificates showing your organs were harvested? There are plenty of places renting motorcycles my Petal, and all you have to do is to let them keep your passport which you will get back at the end of the rental period. You want a big bike? No problems, up to 1250 cc. French license? No problems Mon Ami. The only problem comes when you want to claim, and ‘suddenly’ they find out that your French license is for under 250 cc and you are responsible. For everything – medical bills, repair to lamp post and repairs to the bike. Pierre, Thailand has the second worst road toll in the world. The Paris traffic has nothing like 6 p.m. on a wet Friday night in Pattaya. Road Rules? It’s Rafferty’s Rules. Don’t do it Mon Brave. Catch a VIP bus (not a minibus).


“Idiot” refugees being sent to Pattaya?

Dear Hillary,

I love your column and am amazed at the patience you have. I am an expat and live in Chiang Mai near the university. So, it is not the seedy part of town like Loi Kroh. How you put up with letters every week from idiots is beyond me. To all those who fall for lines from bar girls, I say “good they deserve to get the wallets cleaned.” As a friend of mine said, Thailand is for those who could not get laid in their own countries. For all those idiots I have seen in bars bragging about the money they do not have, they just raise the prices for what they want and none of the girls care whether the ‘Rolex’ they have is real. These idiots get what they deserve. As far as I am concerned, send them all to Pattaya!


Dear Peter,

I spoke with Pattaya City Hall but they said for you to keep them up there in Chiang Mai, as we have as many idiots as we need already. However, looking at the problem that you have highlighted, perhaps an identification system is needed. A badge for the girls to state “Bar Girl Wallet Cleaning” or something like that. For the males, as they come through Immigration they get given a ‘Sucker badge’ with first timers getting the 100 percent sucker rating. By the way, from the bar girl side of the pub the watch is a “Lorek”. But always remember that for a Thai, a watch is not a way of telling the time, but is more of a fashion accessory.



Wallet laundry

Dear Hillary,

Am on the trail of a “good girl”. You know, the kind of girl you are always bleating on about. Well, I started to have a chatting relationship with the local laundry lady. She made it obvious that she was interested in me, always made sure she served me and not one of the other staff members. Long story short, I was passing her shop one night and she was just leaving so I stopped and said perhaps she might like a meal, so she said yes and suggested a little local place just up the road. We spent some time there, and a few bottles of brown ale, and we ended up in bed together. She left in the morning and even took the laundry. However, when I went to the laundry a couple of days later she told me she was going to Bangkok for the weekend to visit her daughter and she had no money, could I give her 2,000 baht? It certainly wasn’t a loan! Like a sucker, I opened my wallet and she had 2,000 baht in her fingers in no time, while rubbing my back. A couple of weeks later, the same scene. She’d come over, spend the night and the next time I saw her in the laundry it was another 2,000 baht. The only difference between this “good” girl and ones from the bar is you know what is the going rate, and you pay then, not a few days down the road a bit. So what do I do, Hillary? Continue on, but put her in the bar girl basket, or a pretend relationship as a “good” girl?


Dear Will,

The lesson here, is you get nothing for nothing! With your laundry lady you can go to restaurants and know people aren’t looking at the pair of you and saying “bar girl” under their breath. You were not to know she might like a financial contribution to help the relationship along. You never know, she might be amenable to a discount on the laundry, in exchange for the sleep-overs! We’ve all got to live, Will. Times are tough my Petal. Don’t be so judgmental. Hillary