Heart to Heart – March 6 – March 19, 2020


J.K. Hillary?

Dear Hillary,

Haven’t written you for a while because I have been very busy with moving and sending my youngest son to college and all, but you’re still as sharp as ever. In this age of these reality shows (and god knows it’s way too many of them around), you should have a spin off like a book or something, you will be making a fortune. Your advice is always to the point with a bit of a punch, just enough to bring most of these love sick gentlemen back to reality. Love your column, keep up the good work.

Your fan from the USA

Dear Your fan from the USA,

Thank you for the lovely note, and in it you brought something out of great value for everyone – reality shows. We don’t have any here, as life in Thailand is always one of make-believe – just sit in any bar and listen to the chattering expats. Or even better, listen to the chattering bar girls as they spin their make-believe hard luck stories to the unsuspecting punter.

There are more sick buffalos in Isaan than there are buffalos in grand total in the whole of Thailand. A right sickly lot they are up there, no wonder these poor girls need continuing financial support. A book? Goodness me, what a good idea, but I’ll have to run it past the editor (he of the long pockets and short arms) I’m afraid, and if it costs money that will be the end of it. I don’t think poor little Hillary will ever be another J.K. Rowling and ‘rolling’ in millions. Not even baht! Please keep writing, in between lion taming (AKA child rearing) and other domestic chores. And if you have been moving, you will spend the next six months trying to find everything. I have a similar problem, trying to find something I used yesterday, but that is probably what they call a ‘senior moment’. Only problem is I seem to get ‘senior hours’ these days…

Mind your business

Dear Hillary,

You were asked a similar question to this one of mine a few years ago, but I can’t remember just what you suggested, and of course I can’t remember the date either to go looking for it in back issues. Like many husbands over here, I am very much older than my wife, which is not a problem for us, even though the constant referrals to my wife as being supposed to be a bar girl were annoying at first, but we have been together now for 15 years. The problem I have is with our 12 year old son. Not that he is a problem, in fact he is a good lad, it is the people and the snide remarks we get when we are out together. He is a big lad for his age and the innuendo is that I must be a pedophile out with an underage boy. I mean I used to have problems when my wife and I used to go out, with remarks behind our backs that she was a bar girl and the like, but we got used to that and ignored it. This is different with the boy. He shouldn’t have to go through that sort of embarrassment. This is something we cannot just ignore and hope that it goes away. What do we do, Hillary?


Dear Jeff,

I am sorry, I can remember the letter, but I can’t remember what I advised then either! Unfortunately, there are plenty of ignorant people in this world, my Petal, and ones who point fingers are exceptionally ignorant. We certainly seem to have more than our fair share. You have to eventually get to the stage you reached when out with your wife, “we got used to that and ignored it.” In the meantime, why don’t you get a couple of T-shirts printed up? Yours reads “He is my son” and the boy’s T-shirt says “He is my Dad”. But if you really want to rub their noses in it, make the first line “Before you make a fool of yourself” and then “He is my son” underneath.

Overdone Aussie

Dear Hillary,

I have a mate coming up from Aussie for a couple of weeks on his holidays. Last year he made a right proper ass of himself with the girls in bars and had to cut his holiday short as he had run out of money. I don’t want to see that happening again, although I obviously want him to enjoy himself, but not to the same degree as before. How do I get him to slow down?

The Aussie’s Mate

Dear The Aussie’s Mate,

So we had a bit of the kid in the sweet shop last year, eh? You don’t say how old your friend is, but it sounds as if he is pretty young, but even young Aussie’s should be able to benefit from experience. I would suggest you sit him down on the first night he is here and openly discuss what happened last year on his holiday, and discuss methods whereby he can avoid all the pitfalls. Have fun acting as chaperone, I fear.