Heart to Heart – Friday July 26, 2019 – August 1, 2019


Didn’t they teach speeling at school?

Dear Hillary,

You are always crying out for champain (sic) and choclates (sic) when youre (sic) giving advise. Don’t you know there (sic) bad for you? Why do you do it? You are supposed to be setting a good example.


Dear Jonny,

Failed O Levels? I can see I will have to go through this slowly for you. Champagne and chocolates (note the correct spelling, that’s a boy) are full of calories and because I am underweight, I need the calories to put it back on. I am addicted you could say, and a daily bottle of bubbly would overextend (oops, there I go again with long words, sorry) my budget, so that’s why I look for generous correspondents (people who write in words, Petal) in the column. I’m sure you understand. Mark the bottle “For Hillary only” and leave it at the office.


The Big O again

Dear Hillary,

I just don’t bother going out Hillary; I can’t afford to get ripped off either emotionally and financially. I come here for the health benefits of the hot sun and to escape the cold of an English winter. Any female ‘Big O’ fans out there willing to check me out for a modest fee? I do a mean version of ‘Crying.’

Big O

Dear Big O,

I’ve been looking out for you as I pass by the bars in my wheelchair. Big shock of artificial black hair, dark glasses singing ‘Crying’ in a falsetto. So far I’ve found three Stevie Wonders, two Elvises and a dog named Boo – but no Orbison. To really make my day (sorry Clint), try waving your pension card as that is bound to attract some of the older ladies in the dimly lit bars.


Any old suckers out there?

Dear Hillary,

I want you to print this letter as a warning for all the old age pensioners who used to come here for a couple of weeks every year. I see the suckers walking down the street with their 17 year old girlfriends, who couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss about the old fellow, as long as the money keeps coming in. I want you to tell them just how silly they look. They should stay at home and save the money for a cruise or something.


Dear Gerry,

What an old misery bag you are. What is wrong with an old age pensioner buying drinks for 17 year old girls? They are doing a public service as the girls are too young to be drinking in the bars. In return for such public service, the girls assist the older gentlemen by helping them down the street by holding on to their wallet, so they don’t fall over.


Here we go again

Dear Hillary,

Here we are in 2019 which already has lots of the same problems as 2018. I already have the son of some friends back in the UK crying on my shoulder because the love of his life, one of the virgins from Soi Half Dozen went out with someone else last week. That was after he gave her 20,000 baht because she was behind in her rent. What can be done about these young chaps?


Dear Jacko,

Were you never young once? Did you never fall in love? It is so easy for young chaps to meet our professional girls and be taken in by them. The ones who can easily get a young man to hand over the contents of his wallet to assist the damsel in distress. Honestly Petal, if you look through previous issues of Pattaya Mail you will see the same situation cropping up regularly. They are advised to read Money Number 1 by Neil Hutchinson, Private Dancer by Stephen Leather, and to look at Mike Baird’s cartoons of the ‘real’ life in Pattaya, but they don’t do it, do they? The old jokes about leaving their brains at the airport as they arrive is too common – and it isn’t just the young men either, my Petal, but many of your age and even older fall for the ladies of the night. What can you do for the son of your friends? Just give him a shoulder to cry on, and don’t lend him any money!


3 and 3 makes 9

Dear Hillary,

My girlfriend tells me she is three months pregnant and wants me to pay for the doctor’s visits and the birth which she says will be in October. I am not here all the time, just every four weeks, but I am suspicious as she looks more pregnant than that to me. I’ve only known her since May. What should I do about this?

Math Boy

Dear Math Boy,

Somebody’s maths are not too good, Petal. Your GF is 3 months pregnant, but it is only three months to October. That’s a six months pregnancy. So she has either discovered a new way to carry a baby, or … Math Boy, start looking at your dates as to when you were here, and count backwards (use your fingers if necessary) and work out where you were in May. And after that start learning the times tables.