Heart to Heart – December 13, 2019 – December 26, 2019


The leader of the Fun Police

Hello Hillary,

I just wonder what some of my compatriots are thinking. Let me tell you of a typical story of relationship between farang and Thai girl which I witnessed. I was on the car-taxi traveling along Beach Road and across of me sat a British man very old at least 80 with a young girl in her 20’s. The man kept talking to her and even me, American, had problem understanding what he said with his heavy British accent. She obviously didn’t understand a word. Her fingers were full of gold plus wedding band. The following is what she was thinking. “I married this old dude and he won’t die, I hope he die soon so I can get all his money. When he die my family and I will have a big celebration. He probably think I am stupid, he is right, but I will hire a very smart lawyer who will get me all his money.” Here’s the real situation – any old man can hire a live in maid who will do the same work as wife. Wouldn’t an old foolish man prefer that his money will go to his children? Or grandchildren? Is it just for sex? At 80 he can not perform and if he chews the blue diamonds he might die from heart attack. And she gets the money again.


Dear Gregory,

You, my Petal, are certainly one of this week’s most judgmental persons. Just what is wrong with your 80 year old enjoying his money in his retirement? These children of his that you say the 80 year old would prefer to give his money to are all 50-60 years old themselves. They get the pension and can spend their own money on wine, women and song. And how do you know our 80 year old can’t perform? Leave him alone to enjoy his 25 year old girlfriend. Or enjoy trying, if nothing else. But your letter does remind me of the 70 year old walking down the street with a gorgeous 17 year old hanging on to his arm. When his mates all asked how did he snare such a beauty he replied, “It was easy, I lied about my age. I told her I was 90.”

Cartoons reflecting life

Dear Hillary,

You have often mentioned books that newcomers to Thailand should read and you should add “Falangs in Thailand” to that list. These cartoon books by Pattaya Mail’s Mike Baird are based on truth and everyone who laughs at the drawings should also remember that (it is based on truth). The cartoonist must have spent a lot of time watching what goes on in Pattaya, but what he shows is the same for Bangkok, Phuket and Chiang Mai. “Private Dancer” by Stephen Leather is another book that anyone who spends time in the bars should read. Stay here long enough and it will happen to you, so be warned. I hope this helps, Hillary. I enjoy your column.


Dear Kevin,

I am so glad you like my weekly (weakly some days) column. Thank you for the information about suitable books, and I am with you and have enjoyed all of Mike’s books and do agree with your ideas. Unfortunately, I think many young chaps who come here (and some not so young as well) don’t seem to be able to read. Perhaps the cartoon books will be better for them, pictures rather than words, as long as they realize that Mike Baird is being very satirical. We can only hope, Petal. We can only hope.


Here’s cheers

Dear Hillary,

What kind of person comes to Pattaya for their holiday and then meets a Buddhist holiday and loudly claims their holiday has been ruined because they couldn’t drink for a day? If you can’t go a day with no alcohol without it ruining things for you, you have a lot bigger problem than choosing the wine for dinner.


Dear John,

(I still get a kick out of responding “Dear John” as I don’t get much opportunity for “Dear John” letters anymore!) Now to this alcohol problem of yours. You are correct that it isn’t a good sign if you can’t make 24 hours without a tipple. You must have heard the old joke, “What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? Answer: alcoholics have to go to the meetings.” (And I know the joke is probably not PC, but everyone should be able to look a little lightheartedly at life.) But going back to the start of this, if the alcohol you are missing is really under the terminology of plonk, then you probably do need a daily shot, so keep a bottle or two for emergencies. But if you’re like me and have to hang out for Veuve Clicquot (even NV will do, Petal) you learn to curb the cravings.