Heart to Heart – April 24, 2019


Beer, Sex and Footy

Dear Hillary,

I feel you are being a trifle harsh in stating recently that the all men have on their minds is Beer and Sex. I can assure you that on occasions many also think about Football, particularly at this stage of the season. While we stand in awe of the fair sex’s ability to multi-task, quaffing champagne while also chatting endlessly on the phone say, things are not so easy for us chaps. Yes, Beer and Football can be simultaneously enjoyed, even Beer and Sex (albeit with danger of spillage) but Football and Sex is a much trickier combination.

It’s not easy being a man.

Dave on the Darkside

Dear Dave OTDS,

You expect me to be sorry for your plight, my Petal? It’s no good just rambling on about beer and football and sex. What code, man? What code? There’s 15 of them, which you overlooked trying to open that can of Fosters in your undies.


The real origins of Songkran

Dear Hillary,

You’ve just had Songkran, which I believe is the Thai New Year, but is the money that the tourists bring in the only important thing? Hundreds of people are killed, so it isn’t much of a New Year for many Thai families. It is advertised as the biggest water fight in the world, but nobody says anything about it being the celebration with the biggest road toll in the world. Has it always been like this?


Dear Jeffery,

No, it was not like this in the past. It was a sign of respect for one’s elders to pour sacred water, which had been blessed by the monks, over the hands of your relatives. That grew to a water fight between the little children and then the older children and finally the adults. And then the tourists joined in and it just grew from there. The official Songkran day this year was on the 13th, but with public holidays and a weekend after that, it went for over a week in Pattaya. You should also understand that Thai people do not “celebrate” Songkran, they say they “play” Songkran. I stay indoors for the week and order takeaway pizzas, which they can slide under the door.


Are you hot and desirable?

Dear Hillary,

Further to old chaps being ripped off by the younger and smarter ladies. The old coots with poor eyesight think they are “hot desirable stuff” however and arrive off the plane a few bricks short of a full mental foundation. How can we protect these people from the bar predators?


Dear Rob,

I think you are being unkind, but I love the “full mental foundation” concept. However, what are these older gentlemen leaving behind? A council flat where they are in the minority group? Weather that defies logical choice. Who wants to freeze to death in winter? And the “old coots” as you call them don’t think they are “hot desirable stuff”, but the clever young girls make them think that way. Some of my sisters are very good at separating a man from his millions even better than the Ponzi schemes.


Wiring diagram for an electric chair

Dear Hillary,

I know it sounds funny asking you to help, but I can’t find an electrician that I can trust to work on a project of mine. It is a new development of an old principle and I believe I can make a lot of money if I can get the electrics sorted out. Can you help me please?


Dear OHM,

Are you for real? What are you making? A portable electric chair? Have I got an electrician? No. Am I an electrician? No. Are you really this simple? Stick the red wire in one hole and the black one in the other and the green one you stick in the ground. Hope that helps, but make sure you are covered by insurance.


Thai Girls cheat?

Dear Hillary,

A couple of weeks ago one of you (sic) writers was wondering if his wife was straying, with the friends from the village and temple trips. Of course she’s cheating on you, Thai girls keep as many as they possibly can, as long as you stay dumb. And you don’t need a PI, you’ve got Hillary.


Dear Harry,

Do I hear the voice of experience here? Not all Thai girls, but any girls from any country can stray and will use local excuses to explain their absence from the family home. So, asking again, do Thai girls cheat? Of course they do, but then so do Australian women, English women, Lithuanian, Uzbeks and so on. So in Thailand it is friends from up-country and dutiful visits to the temple, and one too far away to just drop by and look inside. You don’t need PI’s, just careful monitoring and looking at the photos taken there. She will get the tales mistaken if you wait. Then there are three options, walk away, confrontation or send her packing. You work out what is best for you, my Petal.