Girlfriend wrapped in plastic


Dear Hillary,

We have to remember that the reason any of these jaded, morose and inexcusably naive chaps are in a Pattaya bar in the first place is that they are the ones who have zero social skills and came here because they couldn’t buy a prostitute’s time at home even offering double… let alone possess the personality configuration or maturity to ever have had the natural pleasure of any history or normal social contact with a woman in any situation … or ever had a genuine girlfriend that didn’t come wrapped in plastic and brown paper. Ask around and you’ll find the bar seats filled with sex obsessed pathetically lonely losers and civilization’s rejects pushed by their astounding inadequacies onto the worlds fringes to wash up as human flotsam in a social sewer called Pattaya. I feel genuine sympathy for those impoverished starving girls who leave jungle villages and rice paddies with no choice other than having sex with a perverted, twisted lost wretch of a farang, unwanted and unloved in his own country, or watch her family slowly dying miserably in a mosquito infested shed.

Dear Mosquito Infested Shed,

Wow! A letter from someone who actually went right the way through school and uses his knowledge of A Level English to put a lovely letter together with allegories, similes and even metaphors. Oh the visions you have engendered with “flotsam in a social sewer called Pattaya.” And “impoverished starving girls … having sex with a perverted, twisted lost wretch of a farang.” But I ask, are you not being a trifle hard on the girls and the lost wretches? Regarding “choice” for example, what about SEVEn-11? My local (on both my street corners, looking at each other) gives me an airy greeting every time I set foot in the place, and they seem to have an endless line-up of young ladies with anti-mozzie sprays at the ready. Or are they all on one week contracts to CP-All?

Are all the farangs, who sit at a bar stool, sex obsessed and pathetically lonely losers? Come on, I must sound a trumpet call (or should that be strumpet call?) for all the bar stoolies in Pattaya. Some farangs, happily married, will drop in to the local pub for a pint on his way home, just as he used to do back in the UK at Little Muddling on the Marsh. Is there something basically unhealthy about this behavior? If nothing else it stops them dropping into the Post Office to pick up their girlfriend wrapped in plastic and brown paper. I am a little confused by this, but does it come with an electric pump (batteries not included)? By the way, you are getting a little awry with your apostrophes.